Dear Dan

Trigger warning. Over 1,000 words. Oops.

Dear Dan,
How is life in London? I'm currently in London for one last time. I went on the London eye near tears. It's been seven years now. I still have never gotten over you. I still love you. After all of that fucking shit I still love you.
Don't worry. This isn't letter to get your sorry was back so calm yourself.
Where did we go wrong? I remember you asking me out on that warm day on the London eye when you asked me out. I was near tears and of course I said yes. I was in God damn love. In love with you Dan.
I loved your Carmel eyes. Your mocha brown hair. Your cute dimples and hobbit hair. The way you smiled. The way you laughed. The way you went all pro mode when we would play video games. Your sexy smirk. Everything. I loved everything about you.
Every morning waking up was amazing if you where there. Just laying next to me. It was amazing. Your hair was a mess then and you couldn't fix it without a straightener which was cute.
We'd go on lovely walks through the park or explore the forest. We'd sit in Starbucks and share laughs while drinking the season's cappuccino. My favorite was always the pumpkin spice one.
Remember the day Chris and Pj got engaged. We were both so fucking proud of them. At their wedding we both cried like they where our kids.
I remember the day you proposed. I went grocery shopping and you renovated the flat. When I came home to the dim lights and rose petals on the floor I felt out of place with a pizza box and Tesco bags in my arms. The rose petals led to the balcony. I followed them leaving the pizza and the bags on the island. I walked out to the balcony where you were on a single knee with a ring box. I remember the dazzling words, "so wanna give marriage a try?" You asked awkwardly. I immediately said yes and met your soft lips with mine. Your breath was minty that day. It was heaven.
After our wedding which Chris and peej had the same reaction as we did. Both broke down in tears.
My dad didn't approve of me being gay. But guess what?
You stood up for me. You made sure he didn't touch me after he tried to hit me. My brother didn't approve of us either. He drove me to the brink. I almost jumped of the London bridge. But you where there to stop me. You brought me home where I was a ungrateful bitch and locked myself in your old room. I cut myself frequently and wanted to die but you stayed with me. Making sure I knew how special I was. I threw away my blades. Remember? You were so proud.
I miss those times. The times were we'd cuddle just cause. One day it changed though. Remember that? One day you started becoming distant. Remember? Of course you do. You started coming home drunk. You started to hit me. You started to call me horrible things. You started to tell me terrible words. I can recall some of them. Let's see, "I don't know why I say with you anymore? No one loves you! Faggot! You son of a bitch!" Every time afterwards you'd apologize and make it seem like everything was okay. You promised you'd change.
Each time you said one of those things it felt like you shoved a tiny dagger into my heart.
I stayed with you though. I hoped maybe one day we'd go back to how we used to be.
It never did.
I tried to make our relationship work. That's all I really wanted. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. I wanted you to be the man I fell in love with. Not this monster that you were now.
So I stayed with you. This continued for a whole two years. But I stayed with you.
I remember that last day I spent with you. Of course you came home drunk. Again.
We had the worst argument we've had yet. You where blaming me for everything. You where blaming me for your horrible life. Your habits. The reason you drank. The reason you were depressed. I was in tears. I couldn't speak. I was sobbing my pale face probably beat red.
You told me you never loved me. Your last words still haunt me.
"I hate you Phil! I never loved you!"
I finally lost it. Without a word I walked to our room. You followed me of course. "Phil I'm sorry!" You said. I ignored you. I grabbed my black suitcase and started to pack my stuff.
"Philly I mean it! I will change!" You said as I started to zip up my suitcase. I didn't say anything. I set my wedding ring on the dresser. "Lion please.." you said quietly tears sliding down your face.
You did this every time. I didn't do anything about it though.
"Goodbye Daniel." I said quietly and exited the flat. Now I couldn't fit everything in the suitcase so I had to leave some stuff there. I didn't want to go back to the hell flat. Ever again. I moved back to Manchester. I made myself a living. I quit YouTube. I survived. I never did get over you though. Never.
Now Dan Howell if you read this far I am surprised. Truly. I don't think you'll care but if you do this letter is my final goodbye.
I loved you and you didn't love me back. I'm sorry for staying with you and making you feel horrible.
But hey don't worry. You'll finally get your wish.
This is my suicide letter.
Goodbye Dan.
~Phil Lester

{Dan's POV}
Tears slipped. I scanned the letter. "Philly.." I whispered. I never got over him either. In fact I was wearing his shirt. In his room. Reading his letter. Tears started to stream on to my cheeks. The news was on and one headline caught my attention.
The reporter said in a bland tone, "A male who looked in his thirties was found earlier in the park. We found him hanging from a tree with the words Dan and Bear carved into his wrists." They showed a photo
I fell off the bed. My phone was buzzing like crazy. I couldn't think. It was hard to breath. "I'm sorry Phil." I whispered.