Broken

Chapter 6

I basically had a normal rest of the week. Friday was perfect. No flashy party. Mr. And Mrs. Floyd baked me a cake and we celebrated a little. They told me to dress up really nice, which was kind of confusing.

We had cake first then they blind folded me and drove Mason and me to my favorite restaurant. I was so happy. Mr. And Mrs. Floyd actually dropped us off. Then I realized that this is our official first date.

We had a really nice time. But I couldn't help thinking about Luke throughout the evening. I teared up a couple of times and Mason understood. I'm glad I don't have to explain anything to him. He knows me so well.

The month of July was pretty productive for Mason. He is doing extremely well in physical therapy. He is out and about and really happy. Which is the totally opposite of me. I have been productive in work, but other than that, I'm not myself. As a matter of fact, I don't know when I ever was myself. I always go back to the memories of Luke. I think of how we ran from danger at the shooting. For what? He's dead anyway. What's the difference who would have died that day? Aren't we all going to die? Why couldn't I have died instead of Luke? Why do I still feel the empty when I have everything I have dreamed of? People that care for me, Mason...

In August, Mason made a bold move. A move that'll cost him.

"Park?" "Yes?" I say on a late summer evening. "Do you have nightmares?" "No.", I mumble. "I hear you sometimes at night. Don't lie." "Whatever." I say. Wanting him to get to the point. "Since you have trouble sleeping, maybe you could come over and sleep with me." I was kind of shocked. "And what if I'm just fine with waking up terrified in the middle of the night?" I was very serious. "It was just a suggestion." he says merely passing it off. "No! It's not 'just a suggestion' you were implying. So because we've known each other for like twelve years and dating one month you can go ahead and sleep with me?! THAT IS NOT OKAY!!!" I scream in his face. He is really scared. He has never seen this side of me, but I don't care. I am not to be treated like some sort of sleaze. When he doesn't respond I say, "I've clearly ruined our relationship. Because I've let all that out, I'll do it more often and I don't want to hurt you even though you've obviously hurt me. I'm sorry. I'm leaving." I say. I think it's the best. I know I'll yet at him and pick fights because it lets out the bottled up feelings. I'm shocked I even said that. He seems fine with my decision, but somewhat hurt.

Yet as I pack and leave, the emptiness doesn't get bigger or smaller. It stays the same. So that means I never really had what I've wanted after all. Good thing his parents weren't there. I got in the car and drove. To where? I'm not certain. I need a refuge. A safe haven. Where's a place that I can go that will always welcome me? Heck, no! Even as I think that I end up driving towards my mother's house.

It was six o clock, so my mom should be home. I park and knock on the door. A fair haired woman with light blue-green eyes answers the door. I must have been unrecognizable because she was a little confused until I said, "Hi, mom." She immediately engulfed me. We didn't cry or anything. We only hugged. She invited me in and we talked for four hours. We had coffee and she told me about her. She's basically the same, but there's a gleam in her eyes. Something that I've never seen before. Then the conversation turns to me.

I had only been living with Darci for three months before the shooting. So I told her about that then the shooting. She had always loved Mason. When I told her he was paralyzed she was devastated. I told her about Luke and I cried and so did she. She loved Luke as well. I told her of the moving out of Darci's and all the details of living with Mason. I never realized how sucky my life is. Has been. Ever since my freshmen year my life was horrible.

"Why? Why me? Why now? What are all my sufferings supposed to accomplish? I don't get it!" I sobbed. She only held me and listened. My mom was always a good listener. I then asked her for her advice. She looked like she really wanted to tell me, but she held back and said, "I think you've had a rough day. You need rest." I was about to tell her that resting is no use. That I just have the same nightmares. But I refrain and do as she tells me. I don't even bother thinking about my suitcases. I just strip and sleep in my undergarments.

-I'm running. I'm trying to reach Luke's hand. He's calling out to me. Telling me to hurry. I don't pay attention to where I step and fall. I fall for a long time down an endless abyss. Then I hit the ground suddenly. A large figure, with the face of Mason, whips me in relentlessly. He yells vulgar words at me. And I see Luke morph into something somewhat like Mason. They both whip me and my pain escalades. I cry out, but no one is there to hear me. Then familiar faces torture me at the same time. They laugh, scoff, and spit at me.-

I cry out again. This time I wake up. I gasp for air. I feel my fore head. I was burning up. I threw off the covers and put on my clothes. When I go outside, there is a summer thunderstorm. I rub off the hot droplets as the hot rain pours down. I look at my phone and its six thirty. I really don't care about what time it is or where I'm walking, but something's driving me around the corner.

A few blocks away there stands a building. As I move closer I realize it's a church. A Christian church. For some reason I question my faith. I know there's a higher being. I don't believe in fate or luck or stuff like that. There's somebody that makes it all work. And for some reason I hate that somebody. I still move towards the church and when I'm in front of it, I scowl.

I drop to my knees and look up. "Who are you?" I say to the sky, "why me, huh? Why did you have to take away my best friend? Why did you have to separate my parents? Why did you have to make Kat an addict? Why did you make me a screw up? Why?!" Then thunder rolls. I cry. I am sopping wet and crying after yelling at the sky in front of a church. Almost as soon as I started to cry I got an answer: I am God. You are not a screw up and I let these things happen to lead you to me. Don't you realize where I lead you? Isn't that more evidence that I am real and I want you. I want you to love me and I will fill your emptiness... I cried even more because I realized it was too real.

****

Though I've had this revelation, I still have nightmares. When I have good days, the nightmares are manageable. Since I've been living with my mother we have been working hard to help me. I found out she is a Christian and I am learning so much from her. I have been to counseling which is helpful.

I have hope, but every day I struggle with the depression. I feel worthless and restless and tired of living sometimes. Though I have discovered God, I am not healed. I am still learning, praying, hoping, but most of all I'm still Broken. Yes, broken.