Heartstrings

My Society (to be further edited)

Gasping for air, I continue running aimlessly forward. Squinting I scan my surroundings, alone, once more. The land is clear for miles. Crouching to a sitting position, I drop my heavy head in my hands. Shudders of shock and exhaustion rip through my aching limbs. My mind races, pounding the same rhythm as my thumping heart. It thrashes against its cage, screaming to be released. The realisation of my loneliness causes me to sway. I drum my sweaty fingers against my forehead. Think, think... But the emptiness that lay deep inside rises up, choking every thought.

Clambering to my aching feet I spin around, glancing at my surroundings. There it is... Appearing out of nowhere, a brick wall. Sprinting a few paces, holding the hope the wall will come to an end. But my hope fades as I continue on. Heaving for air, my lungs burning, I place a hand to the wall. Testing its defence, I attempt to scale the wall. Falling backwards onto the ground, I hold a fistful of brick... It crumbled under my weight. Tears burn the back of my eyes as I stumble to my feet. My insides turn to liquid as I'm left hollow and alone.

I thrash against the sheets, lurching forward, gulping at the air. My lungs burn inside, threatening to crush me from inside out. Sweat drips from my drenched hair. Something deep within swells, filling places I never knew existed. I tug at my shirt collar, from the feeling of being strangled. All of a sudden everything becomes tight. Throwing the sheets away, I dash from the shrinking room.

Placing my wrists under the freezing tap, it strikes me... It happened again, that's two weeks straight. Every night I have a recurring dream of being stranded. Left alone in the open land, then I see a wall appear from nowhere. It blocks me from something, leaving me isolated and alone.

Showering, I wash the last of my dream away. Now I sit in this uncomfortable, germ riddled train seat, awaiting my stop. A child sits diagonal to me, coughing in his hands. An old lady lays slumped against the window in front. Creating a soft snoring sound, probably with a trail of saliva leaking from her opened mouth. The teenager across from me plays her music too loud. Audible for everyone as it plays through her earphones. She sits sprawled across the seat, tapping away on her phone, smirking, probably without a worry in this horrid world. Left to my darkening thoughts I question reality, the philosophy of life and our society... Sighing internally, I glance out the scratched window. Buildings consume my view, graffiti now consuming them. Why do people feel the need to destroy and mark our society? Is it attention they want? Or are they just trying to fit into society? I guess one will never know.

Every morning has become the same, bleeding into one. It's become a vicious cycle that never changes. Men come into my life, only to walk straight back out. Allowing the cruel cycle to continue. Only one thing has become a certainty, Bonnie will never treat me the way men have... Do all women need a masculine man to be able to fit in? Or is it just no ones' able to stand against the 'social norms'? What happened to living in the twenty first century, women being strong and independent? I thought we were past the days of being dependent on men. Obviously I'm living in a different era to society.

It has become a tradition for Bonnie and I, having breakfast at the diner across from our work. The diner has become 'our' special place. Somewhere that holds sentimental memories. In 'our' booth we have weeped to each other, had our laughs, shared stories of our heartbreaks and our lost lovers... My thoughts stray to Bonnie, of the way her crimson hair flows down her shoulders. Or how the sun reflects off her crystal blue eyes. I can't help but smirk at the thought of her crooked grin she wears... Bonnie has the ability to make me nervous in her presence and even all warm deep inside. What we share is special, but unlike me, she could never love me the way I love her... could she? Bonnie strides towards me, gliding into our booth, taking up her seat next to me. Our hands make contact, sending waves of heat pulsing through my arm...