Fly or Die

Bye Bye Summer

Have you ever cried so much that you eventually stop, because there are no more tears left in you? Well, I currently am in this state. I can't cry anymore. I am completely incapable of it. Why? Life sucks ass. It's a fucked up world out there. People like to believe it will be okay, but will it really ever be okay? That's why I'm stuck here in my bedroom staring out my bay window, over thinking all I've been through. And after everything these last couple years; this is what I'm left with?

Two years ago today my Dad passed away. He understood me. He was the one person who knew how to make everything okay. He used to tell me, "You determine your own story. No matter where your from your dreams are valid. But always remember you can't prevent things from happening in your life. It's a little thing called destiny."

Since Dad's gone my Mom has change in a variety of ways. She's not the kind of mom that goes to work and comes home to look after her family anymore. Nope, she's the kind of Mom that comes home wasted almost every night and practically never pays the bills on time. Well, if she actually decides to pay them at all. My Mom has these lovely green eyes, and she used to have luscious tan skin. But she's not as beautiful as she used to be. I think all the drugs finally caught up with her. I look at her, and all I see is sadness.

Frank, my Mom's boyfriend, just likes to complain about everything nonstop. He's one whinny little bitch and a total dick. He doesn't work to help support us. He doesn't clean around the house either. Frank is about six feet tall with long dark brown hair, which he never brushes.

Most of the time Elizabeth and Frank just have sex and party. They enjoy drinking and doing drugs. At least Mom goes to work. She works at the Save-a-lot a few blocks from our house.

Frank and my Mom had a daughter, Natalie. She means the world to me. I used to be the only child. Now I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. I've always taken care of her. Not Frank and not my Mom. They talked about getting married after Natalie was born, but never followed through.

Frank is not my family. I hate Frank, and I don't like who my Mom has become. I pretend not to hate him though. I act like I'm happy and like my world is perfect, but it's far from perfect.

As I'm looking outside of the bay window in my bedroom my thoughts get interrupted with new ones. I notice someone.  A handsome boy walking past down below. He's really cute with crystal blue eyes, medium length black hair, and a pale complexion. His skin glows in the moonlight. I wonder who this boy is and hope he goes to my school. School starts tomorrow. Just keeping my fingers crossed.

Great, my Mom's home. I can tell because she's began to yell with that deafening trap of hers. I decide to walk down stairs to see what's going on. All I hear is, "You fucking useless cunt! Why don't you ever get off your ass and actually try to get a job." Frank yells back, " At least, I'm not using the little money we do have on boos and drugs every fucking night." Mom realizes I'm down stairs. Looking embarrassed she says, "Oh honey, I didn't know you were home. I thought you were still at Stacey's house."

Stacey's my best friend. We've been friends since the third grade. I sighed, "Mom, have you even looked at the clock?" My Mom looks up at the kitchen clock and walks into her room, " Fuck it."

The funny thing is that it's almost 1:00 AM! How did she not recognize this? Oh yeah, I know she's probably doped up again just like always. What is wrong with this family? Nat begins to cry from all the screaming, so I take her upstairs with me. I'm the only one who can calm her down when she gets upset.

Natalie's only 11 months old, but she calls me her mom. Which is pretty unfortunate actually. I just hate the looks I get in public when she calls me mom. People tend to think I'm a 17 year old with a little baby.

After I get Nat back to sleep, I go to my room and blare music in my head phones. I want to shut out everyone and everything. Music is what keeps me sane. As I'm drifting off to sleep all I can hear is twenty one pilots, stressed out.

I wake up the next morning dreading school. It's 6:30AM. I have to start getting ready, but today I don't want to. If this boy does come to school what happens if he talks to me? I'll mess everything up. He won't like me. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Staying in bed sounds like a plan.

A few hours later, Frank comes home. He busts open my door messed up on something, who knows what, and says, "Why the bloody hell aren't you at school?" I begin to laugh out of frustration. "I'm not at school, because I just didn't feel like going, okay? Give me a break." Frank slams my bedroom door and goes back down stairs.

I know schools important, but sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I feel like I can't even step out of my bed. It's almost like the world and all it's problems are too much for me to handle. I have enough bull shit at home and school doesn't help.