Addressed to Heaven || l.s

Dear Dada,

Daddy's helping me write this, cause i'm still too little to write on my own. I'm only 5. I just wanted to say that I love you dada, and that I miss you. Daddy told me you were in a place called Heaven but he won't tell me the address to it. Dada, where is that? Can I come visit you?

Guess what? I have curly hair. Daddy says I look just like you. I wish you could see me. I'm doing okay, Dada. You don't have to worry about me. Daddy's doing okay, too. We miss you very much. I hope you miss me. I wish you could hug me, and tell me stories, and feed me cookies before dinner when Daddy isn't looking. But Daddy says that you're too far away. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday, Dada. I love you.

•••

Dear Dada,

I'm 10 years old now. I still don't know the address to Heaven but I can write on my own. I've grown up very much. Guess what, Dada? I got my first 100 on a spelling test. I hope you're proud of me.

Today everyone else's daddies came to the class, Daddy couldn't come because he had to work, Uncle Liam came instead. Uncle Liam's cool but I wish you could have come, because your the best Dad in the world, and you're my hero. I know that I don't remember you very much but Daddy sometimes lets me sit with him and look at pictures and videos of you. You had a very beautiful voice, Dada. I wish I could have spent more time with you when you were here. It's so hard not to cry right now, but I just miss you so much.

And Daddy still really misses you, too. I can sometimes hear him crying in his room, when he thinks I'm asleep. But the truth is that I silently cry along with him. Aunt Gemma still has your necklace, you know the one with the paper airplane? She gave it to me. I wear it everyday, and Daddy gets tears in his eyes and says I look just like you. I hope you can see me, Dad. Cause I want you to be here to protect me, even though I can't see you. I still miss you so much, Dada. I hope you have a good birthday. I love you.

•••

Dear Dada,

I'm fifteen years old now. I'm starting High School. And guess what? I made the choir! I wish you had been here to see me sing last week. I was scared at first, but I know that if you were here, I wouldn't have been, because I'd known that you'd keep me safe and smile and wink at me from the seats.

I know that if you were here, you'd still be with Daddy and would still love him as much as he still loves you. He hasn't been on any dates, and I know that it is because every night he looks at your wedding pictures and he still loves you and misses you.

Dada, I'm fifteen years old now. But I'm still your little girl, no matter what. No matter where you are, you'll always keep me safe. And protect me from any harm. I know your worried about me dating. Don't worry, Dad. I'm not dating yet. But I know that if you were here, you'd be scowling at any boy that talks to me. Dad, I wish you were here. Growing up without you has been so hard. For me and Daddy. We visit your grave every year for your birthday with an armful of roses each, and every five years I write you a letter to let you know that I am okay, though I know you already know, since you're looking out for me and Daddy. I just want you to be a part of my life, even if your not here. I want you make you proud, because you're still my hero.

We love you Dada, always. And we still miss you so much. All of your fans visit you, too. They leave you cupcakes and roses and they leave your old CDs there. I still listen to them you know, just to hear your voice and pretend you're singing me to sleep. Happy Birthday Dada.

I love you.

•••

Dear Dada,

I know that I will always call you dada, because even though I am 20 now, I am still - and always will be - your little girl. I graduated from High School, Dada, and now I'm in uni. I got a scholarship in Manchester. Dada, I know you weren't there when I graduated, but I also knew that you were. Aunt Gemma took lots of pictures, and when we come to visit your grave she's going to bring them along with the roses. I hope you're proud of me, Dad, because I succeeded for you and Daddy. I wanted to make you both proud to be my parents, though Daddy says he and you would be proud of me no matter what I do.

Also, Dada I know this will be hard for you, but I'm seeing someone. He's very sweet, and I know you'd approve of him. Daddy does. He loves me, Dada, and I want to marry him. I can only hope that you will be here to walk me down the aisle. That's every dad's nightmare, isn't it? Watching their kids grow up?

I realized a long time ago that Daddy will never date anyone. It has been twenty years. He doesn't cry every night anymore, and he laughs and jokes around again, but occasionally he'll breakdown and cry.

Dada, I've been wanting to ask this for a long time, but why did you have to leave us? It isn't fair. When I took my diploma on Graduation day, I looked into the crowd of parents and started crying because you weren't there cheering with the rest of them. Everywhere I'd looked I'd seen other girl's dad's hugging them, and both me and Daddy just held each other and cried.

Daddy, you're my hero and you always will be. I love you and I always will. You're with me and you always will be. I'll visit you every year, as always, with Daddy and sometimes some of your fans, but I have to stop dwelling on the fact that you're never coming back. It was hard to accept, but as soon as I realized that, I knew that you're safe now and that you can still be here for me. I've always wanted to tell you this in person, but I know that I can't, so I'll tell you now.

I miss you Dada. Happy Birthday.

PS: I know the address to Heaven. I'll see you hopefully not very soon.