Society Killed My Lover

Chapter 2

Mia has been my best friend since I was 9. She's always been the more social one, not that I necessarily care. I've always had few friends, but Mia is one of the people I trust most in this world. We have gone through a lot together, more than I care to share. She was with me when my mum got sick, and helped with all my nonsense after she passed. She is very protective of me, which is why we are not extremely social. We have other friends and we used to go out to party's and social gatherings, but now that I have so much on my plate it is very rare that I go out at all, and if I do it will most likely just be with Mia. I know it's really cringe, but she is like the sister I never had. We share verything with each other, i've told her all my darkest secrets. Except one.
Before my mum got sick I had the biggest crush on Mia's twin brother Nate. One summer, when I started becoming more of a woman, Nate noticed me as more than just his sister's friend. We hooked up a couple of times, nothing too serious, but I was always scared to tell Mia so we kept it a secret.
When my mum got really sick, I kept having big and ugly fights with my dad. We were both so upset that we weren't thinking straight and just snapped at each other for stupid things all the time. One night, it was about the fact that I was thinking of dropping my dance classes. I had already missed so much school work that my dad got really mad about the fact that I was letting such a big part of me go. I think he related my dancing with my mother and thought that if I stopped dancing she would die. Not realising that she was going to die no matter what I did. I defended my case saying that I had to spend more time with her before she left and that dancing was just a painful reminder that she would never see me dancing ever again. That was the worst fight I had with my dad. It started with yelling but it ended up with him just crying. I was still so mad at everything that life was taking away from me that I just left. Not my proudest moment. I went straight to Mia's house but she wasn't there. The only person there was Nate. It was a mix of anger and sadness that made me want him more than ever. I didn't want to loose anything else. Not even an opportunity. That night Nate became my stress relief. We would have sex whenever I was angry. He would hold me whenever I was upset or numb. He did all the little things a boyfriend does. Only it was all a secret. Nobody ever knew. When my mum died I know Nate tried to help me, but all his attempts to make me feel better just made me angry towards him. Everything we were crumbled into little pieces so quickly that for a while I forgot we ever were anything. When I became my normal self again I remembered how good he had been to me and even though he understood why I pushed him away we stopped talking all together. It should have hurt like a breakup, but with all the work I had to do to catch up with my dancing I didn't let myself feel sorry for myself.

When I saw Nate the night he picked us up from the club, I remembered everything that had happened between us. I had hidden all of it and pushed to the back of my mind for so long there wasn't any space for me to feel awkward around him. Our relationship became nonexistent, as if he was simply my friends brother and i was simply his sisters friend. Nothing more. But that night in the car I saw him for who he truly was, he was the first boy I ever loved. And sadly, not the last one I pushed away.