I just need someone or something to fix this pain I got and I need to get rid of all these stupid thoughts in my head that serve no purpose and honestly just hurt. This pain is eating at the inside of my skull. I asked for the voices to shut up and they did. But for too dear of a price. This pain doesn't go away it just stays there, it may be in different forms or intensities but it's always there. Sometimes the pain is even comforting. It would hurt less if a bullet was in there. Won't anyone just be there and massage my head and give me hugs and let me do nasty things to them? I need someone to make me feel better. To rub my back when I feel so disgusting that I need to barf. Ill do anything I just need that. Ill lie and cheat and fight and grovel and touch and just do anything. I need more human contact because I fail to see how i am a human at this point. I think that I have the same type of head as them but somehow they just look like meat sacks to me. I'm constantly comparing them to the meat that I eat or some creature on national geographic. Is that normal? Do I want to be normal? My head says I should want to be normal because it was programmed to think that for my own survival. This society is strange and unnatural. We don't have enough death here. It's gross. Please won't anyone prove me right? Won't anyone hear my silent screams? Won't anyone understand without me having to make words for this because everything I say or write or do is so idiotic that I should just shut up. I can't express myself at all. It sucks. If I say anything about how I feel it comes out wrong and then I don't even understand and then all the words go out of my head and I don't know how lips work. I could never share the words I'm typing now because then the same thing happens and I don't act in accordance with the written things or they get the wrong idea or they may even just nit-pick until I don't even know why but most of all it just looks like I'm begging for attention. I'm not artistic nor am I any good with story writing. All of these pointless emotions just get so filled up inside that it's gonna rip me apart. Just now the pain in my head feels as if my brain is too large for my skull so that all of its mushy self is pressing the sides and trying to squeeze out of my eye sockets. It hurts so much that my tears have stopped flowing. Please if anyone hacks my phone to read this please give me a hug and never let go because if you do I'm going to die a little inside. Hugging and other signs of affection do not feel nice anymore because i know that it is going to end and my heart breaks by that thought before the hug is even over. Please if you promise that you will hug me forever and let me do what I want to you I will go to the ends of space and time just on a whim. That is what I need right now. I need that. If I don't I'm just going to continue to hollow out from the pain. Never mind. You don't need this. You don't need to hear about my petty troubles. I have to take care of my "friends". They are going through a harder time than me. Just the other day my "best friend"'s boyfriend stopped talking to her randomly! She can't live without him! I guess it's my fault because I didn't keep my end of the deal with him. Damn boys can be so greedy sometimes. No helping it, it's what everyone needs right? Everyone just needs someone to hug and touch right? And I just need that too.
