Entry Two- Little Things

10 2 0

by Imaginary_Princess

by Imaginary_Princess

Eɴᴛʀʏ Tᴡᴏ- Lɪᴛᴛʟᴇ Tʜɪɴɢs

02.13.13

My mum says I am insecure.

Insecure- adj. Not confident or assured; uncertain or anxious.

Ever since I was little, I’ve had this sort of obsession with perfect. I have to be perfect, my grades have to be perfect, my family has to be perfect, etc. It’s not just perfect, it’s that I’ve set such high standards for myself that I don’t reach them. And then I beat myself up (figuratively). Honestly, this is partially my parents fault. I understand high expectations, but if it’s to the point that they are unachievable, you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

To be insecure you have to have insecurities, right?

Insecurity- noun. Something insecure.

I don’t have insecurities… Or maybe I do, but the word insecurities is too shallow to describe them. There are things that I hate about myself; things that I wish I could change; things that aren’t perfect. This has come so far, that if you ask me what I would like to change about myself, I would name almost everything. Even the rare things that I don’t like, I can always find ways to improve them, ways to make them perfect. Take my dimples, for example, I like them, but they’re oddly positioned below my cheeks, instead of in the center of them.

Unfortunately, I tend to take things to the extreme. A- on a test? You’ll find me in my room

a) studying for the next one

b) curled up on my bed sobbing.

You would think, that after acknowledging my problem (even if it’s only to myself, though, who can blame me, anybody else would take me to a mental ward!) I would be able to stop it. But oddly enough, I never learn. I keep on setting myself up for failure, and then awaiting the results. (And so instead, I’ve just come to hate the word perfect.)

I must admit, I’ve tried to stop myself. A couple months ago, I got a letter from Duke University informing me that I’ve been invited to take the SAT and if my score is very high (compared to my peers) I will be invited to come to Duke University over the summer and take classes, and will receive a medal. This is nothing new, seeing as my brother did this in 7th grade as well. The only thing is, he didn’t make the cut. I, however, have been practicing for about a year, and my mum is absolutely confident that I’ll make it.

The thing is, before I took the test 2 weeks ago, I staunchly refused, telling my mum that this was only setting me up for failure. Of course, she just said I was having self-esteem problems and made me go anyways. Now I’m hyperventilating (something I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks) because the results will be mailed out tomorrow. We do have the option to call tomorrow, and just ask them for my results, but I, being the coward that I am, have tried to prolong my inevitable failure and humiliation (something I’m not really sure is wise, seeing as I’ve been counting the hours, and any longer might send me into a serious breakdown).The worst part is that nearly everybody in my old hometown is taking this test, and when all my classmates make the cut and I don’t, my parents will be even more upset. And, even worse (if this is possible), my neighbor (-ish; he lives down the street), took the test as well, in the same testing room, at the same time, and if he makes it and I don’t…

This is the point where I’m supposed to say, “So am I really insecure? I guess it’s up to you to decide.” but, seeing as I’ve almost made it obvious that I have problems, I’m going to ask you a different question; is this really being insecure? Or is there another word out there to describe it? Self-loathing, perhaps? A complete and utter lack of self-confidence? Or is it something as harmless as a low self-esteem?