Lovers (A Chresanto August Love Story)

Love Lost

 

I'm looking in the mirror at my black eye and scar on my face, asking my self questions like....

  "Why do I let this boy put his hands on me?"

 "How can I get away from this relationship?"

 I want to leave him, but then again I don’t...Because I love De'Shun too damn much to let him go. He tells me that he loves me every day and he'll do anything for, a lot of my friends don’t like him and they've stopped fucking with me because I chose to stay with him. But they don't understand that I love this boy so much.

            Me and De'Shun been into it and I haven't spoken to him since Friday. It's Tuesday, my only best friend Keshia called me later that night with the most heartbreaking news.... De'Shun was out with a bitch hugging and kissing on her. I was so hurt; words could not explain my feelings that day.

            It's 1:30am, and I hear the doorbell ring, I'm wondering who this could be at my doorstep ringing my damn doorbell at this time at night.

"Who is it?!” I answered.

"Open the door baby, it’s De'Shun" at this point I'm hella pissed. I want to knock the fuck out of him.

He tried to lean in for a kiss, but I rejected it. I was so mad and hurt inside.

"What the fuck wrong with you? Why you bitching?"He said.

"Bitching?!” I yelled. "Bitch ass nigga, I know you were with another bitch. I'm so fucking tired of you,. You lied to me too many times."

He got in my face like he was about to hit me again, so I balled my fist up. Just in case he was bound to hit me I could be ready to swing back at his ass. I was fed up, I was done letting him abuse me like he do.

"What the fuck? What bitch? I wasn't with no damn body, you better calm your dumb ass down" , He was pissed. But you know I didn't give no fucks about how he was feeling. Did he care about my feelings when he was fuck another bitch? I don't think so.

It was time to put a end to this unhealthy relationship.

I had blacked out for a minute and couldn't hear anything that he was saying; he thought I was ignoring him. And I found myself on the ground screaming and crying, I didn't know what to do. He didn't let me up. I finally got the strength to fight back, but I was still getting my ass beat like a rag doll. He said to me....

"Bitch, don't nobody love you"

"Doesn’t nobody want you"

"Fuck you"

"I hate you"

All I could do is scream and cry in pain. Couldn't anybody hear me?

He took my car keys and all my money I had. What did I ever do to him? I was always a good girlfriend to him.

I had to get out of that house for a breather and fresh air. I had to clear my head; so I washed the blood of my face and washed the tears from my eyes and walked downtown Los Angeles to Starbucks.

They played slow jams, which made me have memories of De'Shun and I. I cried my eyes out. I was lonely now, I wanted to kill myself. Nobody loved me I had nobody to talk. Nobody wanted to hear my cries.

I felt so damn stupid for staying with this no good ass nigga, he had me trapped like a dog in a cage.

I'm just glad that I had the courage to run away from him. He could of killed me, or better yet we could of killed each other. I missed having my own life, I was hoping I will find someone who will treat me like the queen I should and want to be.

"Who would ever want me?", I asked myself.

I know I'm beautiful. But I don't feel it right now, every time I think I found a good guy they end playing me and making me look stupid in front of everybody. It hurted like fuck, I felt so damn ashamed of myself.

I gave up cheerleading for this nothing ass abusive nigga, lost friends for him. Luckily Keshia didn't go anywhere. She was the only one who wanted to deal with me and my bullshit ass boyfriend, and I thank her for that. She has been through the same thing so she knows where I'm coming from.

I'm to the point now where I don't want to love anymore. But I know someday I'm going to find my king, hopefully that someday comes very soon. But I can't trust a male after this relationship; I've been hurt so many times. That fucked up my trust for boys

I guess I'm going to just have to pray that boy, who's really willing to deal with me and love me.

De’Shun use to tell me he loved me more than anything. But if he loved me so much, why did he put me through all of this shit? I don’t understand. I would really like to ask him but if I go near him, he’ll try to trap me again. I don’t want any more of him.

I need to move on, like Keshia told me before. I don’t know why the hell I didn’t listen to the only friend I have. Guess I was just being hard headed, that’s how my dumb ass ended up this way. Drowning in my own tears and blood, love hurts and can also lead to a bloody death. Maybe I should chill on dating and relationships for now, but I don’t want to be lonely for a long time. I want a boy to tell me he loves me and who is for real about it.

Is that so hard to ask for though? That’s all I’m begging for.

I’m trying hard to avoid a lot of people; I don’t want anybody to see that I’ve been crying. Then, motherfuckers be all in my business and tell the whole fucking city. Almost everybody knows about my relationship, even people I don’t fuck with. Now people looking at me as the dumb bitch who stayed with an abusive broke nigga who used the old excuse of “I love him and he loves me”.

Some people don’t understand why I go for the types I go for. I have no daddy, he’s in heaven. So I really don’t know what type of guy I want to marry. I really don’t have my dad to give me some male attention, so I felt that being with De’Shun will fulfill my needs. And I learned that I shouldn’t speak so soon; how could I be so fucking stupid and fool myself? I knew better but I didn’t want to listen to myself.