My pain is agonizing.....I cry myself to sleep wondering if it was all a lie. Wondering if this so called "love" was just a lie to hurt me in the end. I cradle myself to sleep repeating the words "the end." I think to myself "Will it all just go away when I wake up"?....
I wake up eyes still red, palms still sweaty, and still on the verge of tears...I honestly hate me and feel as if everyone does too... People ask what is wrong...but you don't want to tell them they are just going to say "Oh, that's not true"! When even you know they are just being nice. And once they say that you give them a sly remark as if you believe them but with a bit of doubt and anger all at the same time. Some even give you long and dumb paragraph saying that you're worth something but in the end you the only one that really knows the real truth...
Sometimes my parents tell me to smile more....But they don't know how much it would take, how much willpower, how much fakeness it would take to smile when you're crying on the inside. These days all I want is for someone to love me and it all not be a lie in the end. Even though it hurts I sometimes use my fake smile so that everyone will just leave me alone. Which isn't rare, people leaving me alone is what usually hurts the most. Hurting is now apart of my daily routine...so is crying myself to sleep. No one notices anymore. It seems like I don't either because I'm so used to it. Being lied to is also something I've gotten used to over the years of trying...which I don't do anymore.
I want to be happy. I tell people that all the time and they say "Then do it." And I say it's not that easy. It's never easy to be happy if you don't have a reason to...People tell me I'm not ugly but I feel like my mirror is the only one not lying to me, anymore. I could have been happy but the only one I really loved.....hurt me, like it was nothing. And now nothing is what I sometimes wish to become. But want I feel like I always am.
