Doll (MikaYuu)

♦30♦ - Pills

If I were to truly tell you, Yuu, you would hate me. I longed to be dead for longer than I was ever alive.

I made an oath that if I ever wanted to die, I would do it in less than ten minutes. My advantage: I had to take so many pills to be qualified for what I did. My disadvantage: I never got time alone.

The only time I was left alone was when the horrid creatures of my head came to lay next to me at night. This being after I was unwillingly touched. It happened, Yuu, I am sorry to admit this. I was hurt for what I thought was the last time.

I laid on my bed in the numbing pain and counted how many pills I had remaining. Then I realized how ignorant I was. To count while drugged and have the memory and acknowledgment of it was completely out of my way. My only concern was if it were enough to pull me over the edge or not. If I were stuck right in the middle and only with a damaged corpse, I would have said goodbye to the crappy life I would still have to live. I would rot away in a hospital and still be taunted with memories of life.

But I considered taking those pills and believed it was worth anything. After feeling used and useless for long enough, you truly do begin to believe that is what you are.

I let them sit in my sore mouth, the dryness of them parching my tongue, and attempted to gain the courage to force them all down. How weak I was... Isn't it funny how we all claim to be a simple step away into the door of death, but we never take the step? We just tell ourselves we can. Is that who I was...?

I rolled on my side, smacked in the face with a poignant memory.

'How could you do such a thing?' is what I heard her tell me from the framed picture on my bed side. A healthy, young woman, holding me like I was her last hope in the world. My mother, the only woman to ever get me to genuinely smile for a photo. A small, framed little photo, the one that saw me get raped every night was the only thing from stopping me from swallowing all of the pills.

I cannot say it all - express every dark thing I did on that night - to you and know you will be okay with it. I got rid of them although I was hurt and never did it again. Not only did I lack courage, but I lacked the tolerance of knowing how empty she would feel if she found out that her last hope had took pills and killed himself. She had it harder than I ever would, and I could not do it to her. How could I forget that I did everything for her, and would waste it over something as little as giving up pieces of me? While every part of her was always at risk of being taken away?

I was selfish, and not because I attempted suicide, but because I nearly took away my mother's only son for my own reason. It was the most blurry part of my life, and not because I was drugged, but because I had no connections to it.

The day before was just another day. Tomorrow was the same. That night, however, just came out of nowhere. I always felt like I was at my limit, but that night must have been a different kind of drug. Either way, I was not going to give up my life. It was worth it. I had a mother to live for, and now I have you.

Mika's last chapter!