present.
Jung Jooyeon
You are never coming back and I am honestly, trying my hardest to be okay with that.
But sadly, I can't seem to.
I realize it now, I love him and still do. I never 'loved' him, I have always love him. Endlessly.
I sit down on my bed, my back leaning against the cold hard wall. Hah, funny how I feel like this single sized bed is too spacious now and how the room temperature has dropped drastically without his presence.
I let out a shaky breath as the image of us squeezed on each other on this bed appeared. The space was so small back then. I click my tongue at the sudden flashback. Ugh.
I turn my head and see a frame on the bed stand. My eyebrows knitted. It's a picture of us, Kim Taehyung. I sigh heavily, throwing my head back. My heart crumbles into pieces and it's killing me.
Teardrops found their way out. I feel so pathetic. No matter how many times I remind myself that he's not worth my tears, they still fall eventually. This is so stupid, so fucking stupid.
With my feelings mixed, I reach my hand out and pick the frame up. Then I threw it against the wall, watching it as the glass on it shattered.
I thought that would make me feel better but no, it made it worst. It just made me regret even more, making me feel even more shittier.
Oh how I adored that picture..
See? This is the way I'm living my life at the moment, living with the feeling of regret. With a sore heart, I pick a pillow up and press it against my face.
Stop it Jooyeon. It is enough.
It had been a whole freaking month. If he wanted you back, he would have asked. And he clearly did not and probably not planning on to. That just sums up everything. He's over you. He moved on. He's living well.
It's not the first time we split up. But it is the first time we have ever broken up this long. The longest period we ever split up before were only for 2 weeks. Then we're back together again. It have always been like that, I've lose count.
But well I guess, it's really the end now. Our oh-so-tragic love story has come to its end. Our book has reached its last page. It's time to close it.
I bite my lower lips trying to endure the pain that's eating me alive as I put my tear soaked pillow away.
This is what you wanted, fool.
Why aren't you happy? I looked up and into the mirror across my bed. Look at that.. I chuckle to myself. No wonder he stopped loving me. I mean, who would love 'that'? I'm a wreck, a horrible mess. I cringe at the sight and drop my gaze to somewhere else. How did he even managed to love someone like me in the first place? Ridiculous.
I look around for my phone and find it on my lamp table, what time is it now? I reach out and pick it up.
3:24 AM.
I let out a small chuckle before I go through our old conversation... again. For the same reason, trying to find where it all went wrong.
Where he changed.
Where I changed.
Where we changed.
Where our feelings changed.
I laughed but then I cried again.
This is no use. I gulp the huge lump in my throat as my hands tremble helplessly.
If I call him now, will he answer?
No, stop. You can't. You survived a month, you'll survive forever.
Kim Taehyung
I hate this. I still catch myself feeling sad over shits that doesn't matter anymore. This sucks. A lot. I love her and I still do. After all this time. But why am I realizing it now? Why after everything has ended? Why?
I hug my knees against my chest. Then I buried my face against them. No, Kim Taehyung, you can't be like this.
I try to comfort myself by attempting to even out my shaky breathing but there's no use. I miss her and it's killing me.
It had been a whole month without her. But she, herself told me that this is the end. That was the last. She had enough. This is what she wanted.
My whole body tremble, feeling devastated.
I bring my head up, dropping my gaze at the piece of film in my hand. A picture of us. I can't.. I tear the picture apart then throw it aside. I frown darkly, I still don't feel any better.
I turn my head and see the pink flamingo origami standing proud on my desk. The image of us laughing while getting tons of paper cuts together just to make that piece of shit appeared. My heart sunk in sorrow. I clench my fist tightly. The pain was numb back then. But now I think it hurts too much that it'll kill me..
I stand up from my bed, walk over to my desk and hold the paper in my hand. With a heavy heart, I force myself and crumple it in my fist, then I stomp my way to the balcony. With all of my remaining energy, I throw it in the air and it flew away with the wind. There, great.
I turn away but then I turn my back around, pressing myself against the fence while reaching out my arms.
No no no no no, come back.. Comeback.. All of my feelings rush into me as it flew further. My breathing became faster and heavier.
"Fuck.." I curse, my chest heaving up and down.
I run my fingers through my hair as I threw my head back in frustration. I'm going mad.
"God damn it!" I yell on top of my lungs and sob hardly. I step back and my knees met the cold floor. I let it all out.. All of the tears I tried to hold back, all of the sadness that has bottled up inside me.
I'm so sorry. I did you wrong. I'm so sorry that I let you go. This is all my fault. I'd take the blame, all of it if you want me too. I swear. Just please take me back..
***
