You said the anger would come back just as the love did. I can write the saddest story of all tonight. For instance: "The night is full of stars, and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance." I wish my life was like a story one that was written with pencil and paper, and can be erased and added to at any part of my life that I hate or love. I wish I can go back to the page of when your death occurred in my story and erase it all and make it a happily ever after. I loved her, and I know she loved me too. On nights like this, I was held in her arms. She loved me, sometimes I loved her. How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? I can write the saddest story of all tonight. To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her. To hear the immense night, more immense without her. And the story falls to the soul as dew to grass. What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her? The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
Boom! Went the two doors, wide open as a young man carried your skinny and weak body through the emergency doors. My mom crying desperately for a doctor. They attached wires all over you and there you were sleeping still like sleeping beauty. Me looking desperately for prince charming to come and wake you up with a single kiss. Every beat your heart made was like my guardian angel pushing away the demons that wanted to enter my soul. Every news the doctor brought was either news that shattered me into pieces or news that helped me reconstruct my castle full of fairy tales I held within me. Then your heart stopped everything I had collapsed, desperately my mom is shouting to the top of her lungs for a nurse to come, but no one showed up and we lost you ...
I hate doctors, I hate diseases, I hate leukemia and I hate the fact that I lost you and that I couldn't help you and bring you back to life. I hate the fact that I couldn't give you all my blood so that you could live. I've never given much thought to how I would die but I would die in the place of someone I love because that seems like a good way to go.
Since you been gone I don't want to look at anything that reminds me of you. I don't even want to look at myself, because everyone one who've seen you says I resemble all of your features. Every smile I let go reminds me of your smiles in pictures that hang on the walls. I don't want people telling me over and over that "oh you look just like your older sister who rests in peace"...I WANT THEM TO SAY YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR OLDER SISTER AND THAT YOUR'RE THEIR BY MY SIDE SMILING WITH ME AT THE BEAUTIFUL COMMENT!
Every pencil my hand touches and every sheet of paper in front of me creates a master piece in black and white. The girl drawn in my drawing is you, hoping that you would pop out of the picture and stand in front of me with the same beauty you left me. Every beat my heart makes only reminds me on how your heart was crying desperately trying to survive. Every hospital room and bed only reminds me on how you where their lying fighting for your life and trying to keep your promise you made me.
I hate the words "I PROMISE!" because you promised me you would be ok and that you wouldn't leave me. You promised you were going to stay strong and not give up. "YOU PROMISED!" All I have is pain surrounding me. Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. But I guess that was ok because that was my only reminder that you were real.
