How We Found Us | ✔️

Chapter Eight

Numb.

Emptiness.

Pain.

I felt nothing but those three things. I curled in my bed, surrounded by the soft sheets while cuddling my blue teddy bear, and wished I could vanish. It didn't matter there was a house full of people wanting to express their condolences. I'd heard enough at the funeral to last a lifetime. Hearing 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'she's in a better place' did nothing to comfort my sorrow. In fact, it angered me. She left me alone. Left me on this earth with no family to speak of except an absentee sperm donor who could care less about being my father. That was it. That was all I had in this life. A father I never knew.

Mom was gone.

Grandpa was gone.

And now . . . so was Grandma.

It was too sudden. I wasn't ready for it. One moment she was complaining about a headache on the phone to me, the next Georgie was getting a call from his parents saying they had to take her to the emergency room. Three hours later, she became nothing but a memory.

Obviously she wasn't my first loss in life, but that didn't make it easier to cope. It didn't take away the pain or empty feeling in my heart. Nothing but time would take that away and in that moment I didn't care about time. I wanted her back.

Soft knocks came at my door, but I didn't answer them. I slithered deeper into my cotton cocoon and waited for the grief to swallow me. If I didn't get out from under those covers, I'd never have to face a life without grandma, a life without family.

When my door opened, I tightened the comforter around me and hoped whoever it was wouldn't stay long. Georgie and Cassie both had come multiple times since I locked myself in my room. Neither could get me out of bed and I wished I actually had a lock to keep them out. They meant well, I knew they did, but it still changed nothing. None of their good intentions could make the ache in my heart go away.

A hand touched my shoulder and stroked. If I closed my eyes hard enough, I could almost smell the old women scent that floated off grandma's crinkly skin. But it wasn't her. It couldn't be, and never would be again.

"Everyone is starting to leave now," Georgie said in the softest voice I'd ever heard grace his lips. It wasn't quite a whisper, but it was calming. "My parents are going to help Cassie and I clean up. Did you need anything?"

I couldn't answer. If I did, I'd have snapped his head off asking for him to bring her back. After all, it was a stupid question. The only thing I needed was her. It wasn't fair to him to lash out at his kindness. Even in my state, I knew as much. But I honestly didn't think I could control myself if I allowed words to spill from my lips. So I said nothing and did nothing. My cocoon was the perfect shelter. In the darkness of the sheets I could pretend none of this was real. Life didn't exist outside the fake reality in my mind where my family was whole, happy, alive.

"Okay," he said after my continued silence. "Cassie and I are staying in the guest room tonight. Riley too, he'll crash in the office. He's taking Pickles for a walk, but he'll be back soon. We're here if you need anything."

I felt the weight of his body lay against mine, his arms draped on either side. After both Mom and Grandpa had died, he did the same thing. It was an unspoken I'm sorry. Georgie knew enough from the death of his own grandparents to know that saying 'I'm sorry' was never enough. He laid on me for a minute then pat my head and left my room.

My eyes closed and I allowed the empty void and tears to carry me away.

I awoke some time later, no longer buried in my cocoon. The house was still and dark with the only light seeping in from the nightlights in the hall. Not even the sound of the clock in the living room made it's way to my room close to the back of the house. I couldn't remember if I had wound the clock recently or if grandma had. Perhaps it had stopped ticking because of that. Did it really matter?