Don't Cry Little One

Through Hell and Back

"I found you." I said as I sat beside her.

She kept her eyes on the waves. It was close to midnight and we were still on the beach. I lied down on the sand and looked up at the night sky. Stars were shining bright. It's a breezy December considering that it's summer here in Australia. A few months after I found her in Bermuda, I was able to convince her to come to Australia in time for Christmas and New Year. And that is how we ended up here in Broadbeach, Queensland.

"Lagi mo naman ako nahahanap eh." Sam said.

She pulled my arm and rested her head on it. We were lying close to each other. I could smell her lavender scented hair. I could feel the warmth of her skin. I could hear her breathing.

" Bakit ang galing mo maghanap? Bakit palagi mo akong nahahanap?" She asked.

"Para may katapat ka sa tuwing maglalaro tayo ng hide and seek. Ikaw ang pinaka magaling mag tago. Ako naman ang pinaka magaling maghanap." I answered.

"Callix naman eh. Seryoso na kasi." Napipikon nyang sabi.

"Secret ko yun. Pag sinabi ko sayo, matatalo mo na ko pag nag tago-taguan tayo."

"Sabihin mo na nga. I won't use it against you. Promise."

"Baka maging Pinocchio ka bigla dyan." Biro ko sa kanya, sabay pisil sa ilong nya.

"Hindi ako liar noh. Game na. Sabihin mo na." Pinalo pa nya ako sa dibdib.

"Bakit ba gusto mong malaman? Ikaw nga hindi ko tinatanong kung bakit ang galing mo magtago eh."

She fell silent. Bumuntong hininga sya at sumiksik sa tagiliran ko. I wrapped my arm that she was lying on around her.

"Gusto ko malaman kung paano mo ko nahahanap, kasi gusto ko na din mahanap ang sarili ko... Gustong-gusto ko na umuwi. I want to see my family. Pero hindi ko pwede gawin 'yon hangga't hindi ko nahahanap ang sarili ko. I still feel so lost and natatakot ako na baka hindi na ako makabalik." Sam spoke as she was trying to hold back her tears.

"My heart beats abnormally when you're around me." I spoke. " Or when you're near. Or when you're far. It beats differently wherever you are. Pag malayo ka sakin, it beats painfully slow. Yung pakiramdam na paisa-isang tibok lang pero malakas. Parang tumatama sa chest cavity ko. Masakit. Tapos pakiramdam ko nalulula ako at nasusuka. I feel suffocated. It feels like torture that I could die from."

I took a deep breath. I played with the strands of her hair in between my fingers.

"When you're near, kahit hindi kita nakikita, bumibilis yung tibok ng puso ko." I continued. "It doesn't beat as hard, but it's fast. Alam mo yung pakiramdam pag grade school ka, tapos it's the night before your field trip? Yung hindi ka mapakali? Yung gusto mo na matulog para pag gising mo field trip na? Yung excitement na nararamdaman mo pag malapit na mag 12 midnight on Christmas eve, kasi finally mabubuksan mo na yung mga regalo sayo?"

"Parang kapag may outing tayo noon sa beach at hindi ako makatulog, tapos tinatawagan kita habang nakatago ako sa ilalim ng sofa para hindi ako mahuli nila kuya? " She asked.

I nodded.

"Katulad nung hinihintay ko na makaalis sila kuya ng bahay para mapuntahan kita sa park, so you can teach me to ride a bike? Yung excited ako and kinakabahan at the same time? That feeling that my heart wants to jump out of my chest?"

"Yes. That's what I feel kapag malapit ka lang. And I follow that feeling every time you're away. Hindi ako humihinto sa isang lugar hangga't hindi ko nararamdaman 'yon. Kasi, alam ko, may mas masarap pa sa pakiramdam na 'yon."

She lift her head up to look at me.

"What feeling is that?" Sam asked with furrowed brows.

I caressed her cheek and smiled.

"When you're around me. Pag nandito ka sa tabi ko. Pag nakikita kita. Pag nararamdaman ko na nakikita mo ako. My heart beats fast and hard pag kasama kita. And that kind of heart beat makes me feel as if I'm flying..."

She laid her head back in my arms. Sumiksik sya ulit sa akin. I went back to playing with the strands of her hair.

"Sam.... Ayos lang kung hindi mo pa kaya umuwi. Remember when I told you I'll wait for you? Ang sabi ko noon sayo, hindi kita hihintayin na makauwi. Sasamahan kita at maghihintay ako hangang sa gusto mo na umuwi. Maghihintay ako sa tabi mo. And now that you feel lost, okay lang. Kilala kita. I've known you all your life. I've known you since the day you were born. Kaya kong ipakilala sayo ang sarili mo. Kahit ayaw mo na maging sya. Kahit hindi mo na sya kayang ibalik. Ipapakilala ko pa din sya sayo. Ipapaalala ko sayo kung gaano ka naging mabuti at masayang tao. That no matter how weird and crazy and twisted you are, it will never change the fact that you are a good person. You're not just a star in the night sky. You're a constellation. You are your own universe. And that universe, is one of those places that people would love to be in. You may think you're lost, pero sa puso ko, hindi ka nawawala." I kissed the top of her head.

"How long have you been in love with me?" Sam shot that question out of nowhere.

"I believe mama when she said that I fell in love the moment I first laid eyes on you. Ang sabi ni mama, nung nakita kita sa hospital the day you were born, sinabi ko daw agad 'I love you forever'. Ninang Ian and ninong Robi can attest to that." I said confidently.

"Callix naman eh. Yung totoo. Paano mo nalaman na mahal mo talaga ako?" Naiinis na si Sam.

"I just know." Simpleng sagot ko sa kanya.

"Hindi ka ba napapagod mahalin ako? If it's true that you have loved me all my life, then aren't you tired? Mahal mo ko. Matagal na. Pero ako, I don't give back the love you deserve. Hindi ba nakakapagod 'yon? Nakakayamot? Nakakainis?"

Is she really asking me these questions?

"Of course, it gets tiring." I said blankly. "Lalo na yung nasa harap mo lang ako, pero hindi mo ko nakikita. Nakakapagod mag hintay na hanapin mo ko. Ang obvious ko na nga masyado, pero hindi mo pa din ako nakikita. I wanted you to love me in your own time. At your own pace. Kaya ko naman maghintay eh. I was waiting for you to grow up, and to finally want to fall in love. And then you did..." I sighed."Hindi nga lang sa akin."

Mas lalo pa syang sumiksik at umakap sa akin.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled.

"It's okay, Sampalok. I can wait a little more." I chuckled.

"Sabi ni mommy, the true meaning of waiting daw is when you wait even when the person you're waiting for asks you to stop... Please don't be the true meaning of waiting. Please stop letting me hurt you." Her voice broke.

"Don't cry, Sam. You're hurting me..." I pleaded. "It doesn't hurt as much as you think. I've loved you for so long that it doesn't hurt as much when you disregard my feelings. Sabi ko naman sayo, diba? Kaya ko mag hintay. Kaya kita mahalin ng nakatanaw lang. I just want to see you happy. Any kind of happy. Kahit hindi sakin. Basta masaya ka. It will hurt, but I'm more than willing to bleed for your happiness... So, if you want me to stop you from hurting me, then start being happy. This is how I love you."

"Maybe, you're just thinking that. Maybe it's all in your head, kasi all you see is my good side. Baka mahal mo lang ako kasi hindi mo nakikita yung bad side ko." She was giving me arguments to make my love for her invalid.

I slowly moved her head up from my arm so we can sit up. I looked at her and tuck a few strands of hair on her ear. Sam looked at me as if she was trying to squeeze out answers from me. I smiled at her.

"Show me all your demons and I'll show you how much I love you. Let's go to your hell and I'll make it my heaven. You choose, Sam. We can run through hell and back, or we can stand still." I said.

Sam looked back to the sea and sighed.

"Through hell and back." Sam mumbled and looked at me. "Let's go through hell and back. And then, we go home."

I smiled at her and kissed her forehead.

"Let's start our way to hell tomorrow." I whispered.