Maybe it was another time or another world. Maybe we could be together then. If you were no police officer and if I didn’t do… what I am doing. You wouldn’t understand it, Perrie. What I do is not something you’d be happy of and you would probably lock me into jail. If I told you what’s keeping me from letting my feelings control my body, you would hate me. You would hate me because of what I did and I can’t let it happen. I know that… you have feelings for me. I am neither stupid nor blond or oblivious. I just can’t let it happen. It wouldn’t be good… for me and for all those other women.
Yes, it was me. It was me who killed all those men all over the country. But they deserved it and you know this is true. It’s just that our society wants to make you believe that killing someone is something wrong when we have always done it.
It’s one of our primary instincts and I think the day, when people will stop killing, is the day, when the hell freezes to ice. I know what I do is against our society’s moral but isn’t what they do, too? All I do, is cleaning the country. And if I could, I’d do it on the entire planet. And if someone was about to put me back into the past, before I even started it all, I would do it again.
I regret nothing.
The only thing in life I regret is not being able to save my mother or being able to tell you what I was feeling already in school. I feel like a coward but it was also a step I needed to take so I became what I am now – a strong and independent woman.
And this… is why I can’t tell you. Because if I actually told me, you would hate me. You wouldn’t be able to look at me anymore the same and the feelings, you are feeling inside every time you saw me, would disappear. And even if I somehow managed to get those feelings back, make them re-appear, you would fight against them even more than you do now so if I keep myself away from you, not showing my feelings and mostly not telling you what I am doing to clean the world, it’ll be better for everyone.
Jade rubbed her temples frustrated as she looked outside the window; the tress and other things melting together in a mixture of different colours as the train moved fast. Why had everything suddenly become so hard when she had met Perrie? Before she had had no problems either, why now?
She had thought, she had finally got over the blonde and she probably would have, if she hadn’t turned up again…
“Can I bring you something?” A voice made her snap out of her thoughts and looking up, Jade was met by one of the waitresses on the train. The woman in the grey uniform was smiling sweetly at her, her hands holding onto the tray in front of her. On the tray were different things; a few cups, coffee, hot water, tea, different kinds of lemonade, coke, and some sandwiches and crisps.
“Umm, no, thanks, I’m doing fine,” Jade replied tiredly and her voice was raspy and dry. Maybe she should drink something (but not pay those tremendously high prices). As she watched the waitress walking away, she bent down to pick up her rucksack and looked through it until she found what she had been looking for – bottled water.
Still one hand inside the rucksack, she felt something buzzing and stopped drinking for a second curiously. As she realised it had just been her phone, she rolled her eyes at her own stupidity, took another sip of the water before she put it back into the rucksack and took out her phone.
Maybe it had been a bad idea to give her phone number to Perrie… Their relationship consisted nothing apart from lies and those lies had only been created on Jade’s side – it made her guts wrench and her throat even drier. She really liked Perrie a lot and she would like to start all over again, without any lies, but she herself knew it wasn’t possible… What she did, might be something good in her own opinion but in other people’s minds it was something horrible – she was something horrible you needed to lock away until it was dying slowly, fading away, and disappearing from this world.
