⠀⠀⠀We all hear the same exact thing. "Everything is okay." It's something I've grown up hearing and for years and years I believed in those three words more than I believed in myself. But you know, things aren't always okay. Look around. Look at all the kids around us who are too anxious to step out of their own house or the kids that suffer from depression. Look at the teens begging for one last joint so they're high enough to forget the god damned world around them. Nobody actually suffers from minimalistic problems. Nobody wants to die because they have too much homework or they didn't get to go to the movies because "their mom is a bitch"; and nobody kills themselves because their favorite character in a book died. No. We suffer from life. We suffer from mental diseases and monsters living inside of our heads, constantly. We suffer from belittling ourselves and putting ourselves down, mentally, to the point that we break.
⠀⠀⠀I do have to say, some things are a temporary fix. Maybe you get interested in drawing or reading or singing, and it takes you far away from your imaginary monsters; sometimes our physical ones too. Or sometimes, you fall in love. You fall so insanely and deeply in love and you can't actually imagine living a day without that other person.
⠀⠀⠀Maybe it isn't normal for a 15 year old girl to fall in love (ask me if I care.) Maybe it's not acceptable to some people. I would surely be in too much trouble if people knew what I do. But you have to know, he is my future. And I don't know what happens from here. I don't think I know how to control my feelings at all anymore. He's always been the light to every day and he is my fix. I never had to doubt myself with him. Something about holding his hand and the way the butterflies in my stomach freak out when he says he loves me, takes away all my doubts. I never worry about what I look like or how my voice sounds. He takes it all away. Dare I say: he makes me feel beautiful. Which is not usual for me.
⠀⠀⠀Let's see.. It's been four months since we started dating, I believe. I still remember very vividly the moment he said he loved me for the first time. Ah, memories. He admitted he was terrified to love me, but he did. And I remember thinking all night, that he actually loved me. I couldn't believe it, but he proved himself. This crush I had on this boy turned into my center. He was my absolute everything. I couldn't do something without talking to him at least once and my heart ached when I couldn't. I had an addiction. I was addicted to the feeling of my heart racing for the right reasons. Not because I took a pill or because I was crying, but because I loved him with all of my heart.
⠀⠀⠀Soon, I found myself completely in love. Yes, I wanted to marry him and I wanted us to be together, happy, forever. I always had fantasies in my head. I wanted kids with him, even though I'd always told myself I don't want kids at all. I wanted a family and pets and I wanted to feel like a beautiful wife. You have absolutely no idea how absolutely insane I was for him.
⠀⠀⠀He changed my view on everything, especially myself. I stopped self harming. I saw more things about myself that I liked. And over the course of these few months, I was far more confident. Because of him. I told him I loved him too many times every day and I'm pretty sure it annoyed him but he always said, "I love you more princess." And that was enough for me to say it over and over again constantly.
⠀⠀⠀Now that you've heard everything good, I must crush it. Everything ended on April 4, 2013. A collision occurred on the freeway, and he was a part of it. Try and imagine my face of pure shock and horror as I looked at his completely marked and bloodied face as I sat in the hospital room next to him. His heart was barely beating and my tears refused to stop streaming down my cheeks. I cried myself dry. I knew he wouldn't be with me much longer. I crawled into the bed with him and lay there, just like I would if he wasn't in a hospital bed. I told him I loved him, so so much. I needed him to stay. I fell asleep in his cold, stiff arms, and I was finally at peace. I tend to believe he knew I was there.
⠀⠀⠀On April 6, at 2 am, he passed away from heart failure. I was a fucking wreck. I couldn't even stand straight and I couldn't tolerate myself. I still looked at my phone every 30 minutes to look for a text from him but there never was one. And that's when it all broke. Every single part of me shattered when I finally realized.. He's not coming back. I'd no longer get to look at his smile or hold his hand or wrap myself in his warm hugs. I needed him. I needed him to live, to be happier, and to put up with myself. Now all there was left of me was a shell. You wouldn't believe how fast my confidence went down the drain. Replaying all his "I love you"'s in my head will always be the most painful thing to do. He was everything. He was the pure reason I was happy and I never got to tell him that. We didn't get to live a happy life together and live out all my fantasies.
⠀⠀⠀Like all stories, mine had to come to an end. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. April 10, 2013: I sat on the floor by my bed, contemplating my own life. I couldn't be so crazy as to end my life, but at the same time, i could. I can't even explain the mess of objects around me. Pill bottles with the caps screwed off surrounded me. At 8:42 pm, I took as many of those god forsaken pills as I could. I felt the pain soon after. It was a pain I hadn't ever felt before, but it was nothing compared to the pain of heartache and worthlessness I felt towards myself. Everything went black.
