How I wish I can hug you now. I've always wanted you to be beside me so that I can share with you how challenging a life can be as I grow up. But being us, as both of us realized, we never had a good conversation went between us. I don't know what is really wrong with me. I remembered how things were so fucked up, I was with you, defending you with all that I had back then when actually I had nothing but endless love towards you. Tell me that you still remember that, Mum.
I remember that one time I came home on this one school holiday when I was 17. I brought you an offer letter from Boston University to do my degree in Pure Mathematics along with the scholarship offer letter from MyBrain. I did not give you the letter yet as I arrived home because I wanted to suprise you. Yes, to make you feel proud of me as I knew I did not do much to you since everything was so wrong. I slept early on that night because I was so tired. You woke me up on midnight shouting at my face. You found my bank account's book. You saw so much bank transactions I made and most of the scholarship money were gone. You scold me and say that I was one ungrateful daughter and that I never put family as a priority. I knew it, Mum. You must be thinking that I used all the money to go out with friends, shopping all the branded craps and eat all those expensive food. I kept my mouth shut and I cried at that time, did you realize that, Mum? You beat me half dead till I couldn't feel my own face. Tears coming down through my cheeks, it hurts. The next day, you did not talk to me for more than a week. You ignored me as if I wasn't at home at all.
Mum, did you ever asked me where were all the money gone? Did you ever let me explain what was really happening? I used most of the money to pay all the university's application fees, to register for international exams and to sit for my international English exams. I did not ask any cents from you because I know things were so hard at that time so I secretly used most of the scholarship's money to pay those. I studied so hard, I did not even get a good rest at night, struggling with countless exams. Just to get a place at the university to make you feel proud of me. I managed to get a place for me to pursue my degree at the age of 17 but those were all meaningless on that night.
For you, I never put you as my priority, I never let you feel happy, I never do anything to make you proud of me.
"Kau tak pernah buat aku bangga langsung dengan kau. Dari kecik sampai besar kau tak pernah buat aku happy. Menyusahkan. Bila besar, kau makin menyusahkan. Duit semua kau makan sorang tahu perut kau je. Kau dengan bapak kau sama la"
Those words broke my heart, Mum. How I wished I could defend myself at that time and tell you the truth, but I was suffocated, the tears killed me I could only cry at that time. Woke up with bruises and slashes, I made you breakfast early in the morning just to make up to you (and to give you the offer letters and to tell you the truth). You threw all the food away and you went out and left me alone at home. I cried myself so terribly and at that moment, I knew it is useless. Whatever I did for you will never make you proud of me and you will never saw any. I gave up. I decided to decline all the offers. Yes, Mum. I declined the offers.
Went back to school after the holiday with so much dissapointments in my life. I did not dissapointed in you, Mum. I was dissapointed with myself. I knew what I did was wrong. I was wrong to secretly wanted to make you happy and proud of me. I wish I had all the strengthness to tell you what was really happening but Mum, I know I was weak. And still weak, up to this moment. That's why I can only write these all up instead of telling you straight to your face.
Mum, did you still remember the moment when I told you I made it to do my foundation studies right after SPM has ended? I succeed to get a place for myself using my SPM's trial results. Did you still remember what was your reaction, Mum? You put away the letter with unsatisfied face.
"Tak payah sambung belajar dulu. Kau cari duit sendiri kalau kau nak sambung belajar. Kau ingat free ke nak sambung belajar tu?"
I was so mad at that time. Yes, I was mad. I'm sorry Mum to feel that way at that time. I was so eager to continue my studies. I tried to defend myself but ended up I was called an ungrateful daughter by you for doing that. "Anak derhaka. Belum apa apa lagi kau dah pandai nak melawan cakap. Kau fikir kau dah besar sangat ke?"
I was so dissapointed at that time. I admit that I did not talk to you for days because I was so sad with your reaction. I did not ask you for expensive shits. I did not ask your permission to get married neither to have a boyfriend. I only asked your permission for me to pursue my foundation studies.
Few days passed, I felt so wrong to not talking to you. I made up my mind, again, to decline the offer. I told you that I am ready to decline the offer, right Mum? I put a smile to my face and told you that while I was crying and screaming deep down in my heart. But at the same time I was happy because I could see you smiling for the decision I made.
Next, I knew that you felt so wrong with what happened. You told me to search for Dad if I really wanted to accept the offer. I did not know what to feel at that time. I already lost interest to study because of the decision I've already made. You insisted me and I ended up calling Dad and ask for help. There the mixed feelings I got. I knew this decision was so wrong for you but for me, it was really a great chance. I did not talk to Dad for almost 3 years of course I was happy. Things were good, I did my foundation studies greatly with the help from Dad. But things get bitter between us, right Mum?
You were so bitter to me that I ended up being a stranger at home. You made me feel alone and we were getting far away from each other. I did not understand what was going on with us. Everything I did is a mistake to you. It went on for years and on the fifth Raya of 2014, that was the climax. You chased me out of the house for the mistake that I did not know it is a mistake. I went back to tok wan's without you knowing, without your consent yes I admit that was my mistake. But I didn't foresee that I'll be chased out from home just because of that. I was really broken at that time I walked away from home, leaving the people I loved the most.
I cried almost every night. I dreamed of you and them. They told me that they saw pain in my face as I fell asleep. The pain that I couldn't even remember I felt. Countless darkest nights and nightmares. I'm glad that I always have him to make me stronger day by day but Mum, I really want to come home, to hug and to kiss you. I know things seem impossible right now, but one thing you should know, I miss you so much. I pray so hard that one day I'll be able to put my head on your lap, having a normal conversation with you and fix everything we broke before.
So long, Mum.
