Bittersweet Blood

Little Addiction...

I've been in bed for hours now unknowing what to do with myself, a couple days ago I was the happiest person as far as those type of affairs went. I just graduated college and the promise of whole new future was ahead of me, my boyfriend Nick and I were going to take a backpacking tour of Europe. Perfect little American dream, right? No, because I could never be happy or normal for that matter, I ruined everything for myself, thanks to me and my little addiction to drugs. At first Nick would justify it by saying I was a little too "liberal" or something along those lines, but then it change he couldn't stand the way I acted when I was on one of my joy rides. Nick tried again and again to "fix me" or "make me better" as he sometimes phrased it, but everytime he said that it made me feel worse and eager to do it again. Nick and I never really fought over anything except for this subject at some point he just turned a blind eye. Nick in all honesty was perfect to me and unlike many other guys that I dated, I actually had feelings for him, I could see myself with him for a every long time, and trust me this didn't happen often or more to say not all. Which is why I this very moment I hate myself more than anything.

I looked around at my apartment it was a huge mess: there was clothes and trash everywhere, the smell of garbage was in the air on the account that it hasn't been trow out in days. I living the way I felt, like unnecessary garbage that need to be trow out, and at this point I didn't care. I ruined my life, as dramatic as that sounds, yes it's true Nick meant the world to me, God I even wanted to marry this guy... I could do anything and everything for him... expect quite my bad habits, I beat that showed him how much I cared. I can't believe I said what I said....what I did to him....he loved me so much.....I started to cry again, and I couldn't stop for what seemed like forever. There I laid in a dirty bed with garbage everywhere with the smell of it in the air, crying my eyes out...over a guy.

I woke up to what seemed to be the middle of the night, I didn't know what time it was and I didn't care. I broke my nightstand clock along side with all the dishes in the house, out of rage. I couldn't stop myself form thinking of him and what we had...what he meant to me. Each second that past I tried not think about what just really happen, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking... every second lingered to that thought, a little voice whispered into my ear "go, at this point it doesn't matter any more" the voice was right why did it matter now after he left. I suppose in a way I still wanted to make him happy, even when he wasn't here with me. " but what's the point his not here....and he will never be here again..." It seemed that voice wanted to torturer me tonight. Then something over came me like an overpowering feeling that I couldn't ignore, I didn't care.... I didn't want to care. The little voice in my head was right I didn't matter and it doesn't matter anymore what happens...ever....to me.... I just wanted to feel numb and not remember anything.

***

As I made my way downtown, I know just where to go and who to find, Jimmy well at least that was his street name. Third floor front in one of the shitty building that this city offered, naturally this is were Jimmy lived. I bagged the front door to his apartment if you could even call it that. The fact that is was three in the morning on a Tuesday night meant nothing to me, nothing at all. He should be here, he knows he has business this late at night, what other time would he have business he was a drug dealer after. Most druggies have a specific drug in mind, I honestly didn't care whatever got me high, I was more of a pill popper myself and weed. Clean, easy, out of your system within a week. To me seemed like a heaven to others pill popping was baby's game, I really don't consider myself a hard time druggie because I'm not but then again...he thought I was, I honestly don't know anymore. I just need something anything, to make me feel better. " God fucking dammit Jimmy, answer the fucking door!!" I screamed. And out came a tall slim women that look like a cheap trick " hey can you shut the fuck up already johnny or whatever the fuck you been screaming doesn't live here anymore" she sneered at me while taking a long drag form her cigarette. " are you fucking kidding me?!" I yelled who else was I going to get my fix form. Dammit! " hey lady, I don't know what they fuck your looking for but try the building down the street I pretty sure I'll find something there" she told me then slammed the door on my face. Fucking great what the hell was I going to do know?! I really don't trust anyone else here to sell me anything good or something that wasn't meth. I didn't know what to do with myself. Maybe someone is selling weed, but that's not the high I'm looking for. I sighed tighten my arms around myself, and I knew tonight was going to be long.