Darkness Awakens

New beginning

7am on a Monday morning and I couldn't feel any worse than this. It's been 3 weeks since it happened, and I am living with a foster family who cares nothing of my feelings. They go on their daily routines as if nothing ever happened. As if I don't have feelings. As if my foster brother didn't hit me last night. And I don't cry. And I don't feel. It's as if I am invisible.

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Just when I thought things were getting bad, I am being made to go back to school today. Perfect, public humiliation. Just like last time.

When I killed my closest cousin 9 years ago, I couldn't go anywhere without people staring, pointing or women hurrying away with their young children. They all saw me, and continue to see me -as a careless murderer- because the doctors think it's best if nobody knows about the illness. Not yet. Of course, I had no say in this. Myself being a ticking time bomb, my opinion doesn't count for anything, in anything. I am forced to keep quiet. Maybe that's why the episodes have gotten worse...because I am being forced to bottle up. The only person I can talk to is myself. No wonder I have gone completely bonkers.

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Monday. Period 3. Anddddd it's raining. At least it's English. The only subject I can manage to stay awake in.

Apparently not. I was awoken by Ms. Barkins attempting to gain my attention to read the fourth paragraph of the Hamlet question sheet handed out five minutes ago, in which I was not aware of. I wiped away some dribble and began to read. Thankfully, I was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Um excuse me, sorry. Is this English? I'm awfully sorry I'm just a tad lost..."

"Have a seat Miss Martin. You're 45 minutes late into the lesson, but since you're new, I can let this one slip. There's an empty table by the window next to Malaya."

Lydia Martin was flawless. She had long, wavy hair, as red as a cherry. Her skin was pale, although flawless. I couldn't tell if I was feeling envious or in love... Either way, this wouldn't be the first time. Last year, before my family and I moved to Pennsylvania, I had a huge crush on a girl from my school. I didn't understand. I really cannot be normal, can I?

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She talked to me! She actually talked to me! I didn't know how to react, nobody has talked to me since....in a long time. Nevertheless, I talked back. We may or may not have been caught a few times, but that didn't matter to me. I have a friend. Finally. I think. Here's hoping I don't spaz out and kill her too haha...too soon for death jokes. Shit.

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It's 2am and I just can't seem to go to sleep. Yesterday my foster brother forced me to do something I really didn't want to do. I feel different now, like I have been changed. Not for the best. For the worst. I guess i kind of deserve it, considering the things I've done and lives I've destroyed, but I still feel awful. And unclean.

On another note, Lydia gave me her number and we are going to the mall tomorrow! School has been so much easier with her in the majority of my classes. When she doesn't have drama meetings, she also sits with me at lunch time in the cafeteria. It feels strange to have someone who actually cares and accepts me. But then again, if she knew about me, she probably wouldn't. I'm so stuck! I feel as though I'm keeping her in the dark and she deserves to know. What if I hurt her? I guess only time can tell. Hopefully I'll be cured before anything can have a chance to happen.

It's now 5am and I haven't slept at all. Not even a teeny weeny micro sleep! I'm tired, but I'm not. Wow that really sounds ridiculous..... At least I get what I mean.