The Princess Test

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, in the village of Snettering-on-Snoakes in the Kingdom of Biddle, a blacksmith's wife named Gussie gave birth to a baby girl.  Gussie and her husband, Sam, named the baby Lorelei, and they loved her dearly.

Lorelei's smile was sweet and her laughter was music.  But as an infant she smiled only four times and laughed twice.  The rest of the time she cried.

She cried when her porridge was too hot or too cold or too salty or too bitter or too sweet.  She cried when her bath-water was too hot or too cold or too wet or not wet enough.  She cried when her diaper was scratchy or smelly or not folded exactly right.  She cried when her cradle was messy or when her mother forgot to make it with hospital corners.  She cried whenever anything was not perfectly perfect.

Same and Gussie did their best to make her happy.  Lorelei was the only village baby with Satin sheets and velvet diapers.  She was the only one whose milk came from high-mountain yaks.  And she was the only one who ate porridge made from two parts millet mixed with one part buckwheat.  Bust still she cried.

She cried less as she learned to talk.

Then one day Lorelei said, "Father dearest and Mother dearest, I'm terribly sorry for crying so much.  You have been too good to me."

Gussie said, "Oh honey, it's all right."

Sam said, "Gosh, we thought you were the cutest, best baby in this or any other kingdom."

Lorelei shook her head.  "No, I was difficult.  But I shall try to make it up to you.  And now that I can explain myself, everything will be much better."  She smiled.  Then she sneezed.  And sneezed again.  She smiled shakily.  "I fear I have a cold."

From then on.  Lorelei stopped crying.  She didn't stop being a picky eater, and she didn't stop needing everything to be just so.  She just stopped crying about it.

Instead, Lorelei started being sick and having accidents.

If a child in the village of Snettering-on-Snoakes had a single spot, Lorelei caught the measles.  If a child two villages and a mountain away had the mumps, Lorelei caught them, and the flue besides.

She loved the other children, and they liked her well enough.  But if she played tag with them, she was sure to trip and skin her knee or her elbow or her chin.  When they played hop-scotch, she always twisted her ankle.  Once, when she tried to jump rope, she got so tangled up that Gussie had to come and untie her.

When Lorelei turned fourteen, Gussie died.  Sam and Lorelei were heart broken.  Sam swore never to marry again because Gussie was the sweetest wife anybody could ever have.

"Besides," he added. "all the old tales say that stepmothers are mean to their stepdaughters.  You'll never have to worry about that, Lorelei honey."