The Bad Girl Goes To College

33:"those rainbow abs"

Waking up wrapped in Zane's arm spreads happiness through me. Every part of my body tingles in the best way.
Until my phone begins to vibrate crazily on the floor. Picking it up I answer not bothering to check the called ID.
"Hello." Zane rolls over and places a pillow over his head.
"Nadia? Where'd you run off to this morning?" That's when reality hit me full force. I left Tay last night. I kissed Zane. We fucking cuddled and kissed until we fell asleep.
"Oh my God." I mutter standing up and finding my dress on the floor. I tear Zane's shirt and boxers off of me and hang up the phone on Tayshawn. Oh my God. No. No. No. No.
"Good morning." Zane groans stretching out his limbs.
"No. No. This was wrong Zane, my God." I mutter digging through his closet until I find a pair of gray sweats and a wife beater.
"Yo! Look." In one fluid motion Zane is in front of me. "We didn't do anything wrong." Grabbing my wrist he forces me back until I hit the wall. "We didn't do anything we didn't want to."
"Get off of me! I didn't want this. You just screwed with my head yesterday with your words."
He's always been good at talking. It's his thing, he talks a good game. He speaks in fucking dysfunctional ass poems and make me feel okay.
"If you didn't want this you wouldn't have showed up at my doorstep at three in the morning kissing me. I didn't kiss you Nadia. You kissed me."
"I know and it was wrong. It was a mistake."
"No it wasn't." His voice is low as his eyes search my own. For what? I'm not really sure. My heart speeds up when he brushes a stray hair from my face. "You told me you loved me last night." His hand stops and rest on my cheek cupping my face. I lean into him so ready to give up the act. "You said that you missed me. Missed us. Remember that?" I nod my head slowly. "And remember how you felt just a few minutes ago? Wrapped in my arms?"
"Zane..." Words fall short when he bends down and places a kiss on my forehead.
"Nadia I love you. And you love me and that's all that should matter." He smiles lightly at me. "I love how you look like the bride of Frankenstein in the morning. I love the tangle of your hair. The slight drool on your chin. Fuck, Nadia I love your stink ass morning breath." He's full blown smiling and I can't breathe right.
"I love you too." My voice is a whisper and I wrap my arms around his waist burying my face in his chest. "But I gotta go. I'm still with Tay and I gotta figure out things with him." Slowly he peels himself off of me.
"I know." He has a look in his eyes that makes me want to stay with him.
Being as sneaky as I can I creep out the room only to be caught. Andy's eyes go wide when she sees me. "Well.well.well. What do we have here?"
"I'm innocent!" I yell covering my eyes. Andy lets out a loud maniac laugh that makes me take a step back. And then another step and another until the back of my knees hit the table.
"Is this a dream? Why are you sneaking out of Zane's room? Were you his company last night? What time did you get here? Why are you leaving? Are you guys back together?" She stops taking a deep breath before launching back into interrogation mode. "Did you two bump uglys? Did he make you leave your body and go into another world filled with complete pleasure? Did your toes curl? Did you lick those rainbow abs? So when's the baby due? And when's the wedding?"
"Andrea!" I stop her just as she opens her mouth. "Come with me and I'll explain everything then you can help with my fucking crisis."
"Let me just let my fiance know I'm leaving." She smiles and sashays her way to the room while I dig in the refridgerator for something to drink.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Cheese. Milk. More beer. Mustard. Bolagna.
These guys are hopeless. Aha! Finally some orange juice. I grab the gallon and smell it before fixing myself a cup. Andy comes out just in time fixing her hair and adjusting her shorts. I roll my eyes and start towards the door.

"So what happened?" Andy asks getting situated on my bed. I sit in front of her cross legged with a tub of Ben & Jerrys in between us.
"Zane happened. Zane always happens." I sigh and stuff the spoon in my mouth.
"Wait! This story is going to need more than ice cream. I'm ordering from papa johns."

Okay, so fifteen minutes later we're back situated except this time there's pizza, breadsticks and mimosas sitting in between us. "Olay so remember I went to the park yesterday?" She nods her head enthusiastically stuffing a breadstick into her food hole. "Zane got me this." I pull the necklace from behind my back and show it to her. She gasp and stare at it in awe.
"It's beautiful."
"Yeah. We had this whole heart to heart. He told me he loved me and he didn't want to hurt me anymore and he screwed with my head." I sigh taking a sip from my drink. "Then I went out with Tay and I kept thinking of Zane. His words and when Tayshawn kissed me I wanted Zane to kiss me. And for goodness sake when he was in me I was thinking on Zane." I play with the necklace making the heart go between my fingers. "It's crazy man. Cause what I feel for Tayshawn is something I've been craving. Something safe and secure. When I'm with him there isn't screaming and yelling. There's no uncertainty. Everything is exactly how it should be."
"But?"
"But with Zane it's this fucking fire. A forest fire in dry land. Nothing can put it out. What I feel for Zane starts at my toes and ends at my hair. Its everywhere and it's crazy and it's parties and sex and getting drunk and fights and making up. With Zane everything feels crazy and I feel like I'm not in control. And he doesn't take me in romantic dates but he does cuddle with me and whisper sweet nothings. And he's not safe but the blood in my veins is always pumping with adrenaline. When I'm with Zane I'm always on my toes always anxious.
Tayshawn was a dream, some fantasy of this prefect gentleman that treated me like a queen. But Zane...Zane is reality. He's not the perfect guy and he screws up more than he doesn't but he's real. He's within reach, I touch him and feel him and it's all real. Tayshawn was always at the tip of my fingers. Not quite there. Not quite real enough. A fake smile, a fake relationship. All the things I felt for him was just a mask to hide what I wanted. And I want that real thing with Zane. I want that raw love feeling. Because I love him. Like really love him. Even after all the pain the love I feel for him overpowers that. And dare I say it his pros outweigh the Hell out of his cons."
"Look I'm your best friend and I'm gonna be honest with you. You and Zane have been through it in these three years. From fighting and cheating and breaking up and everything. Yall powered through that shit. And I love y'all little relationship and all. But just remember that Tay was there for you. He held your head up when all you wanted to do was bury it in ice cream tubs. He took your mind of the situation. He picked up the pieces Zane dropped." I sigh burying my head in the empty pizza box.
"I know and I don't want to lose him. He's become a very important part of my life."
"You want my honest to God opinion?"
"Always."
"I think you need some Nadia time. I can't even remember the last time you've been completely by yourself with no guy hanging on you. I just think you need to lay low for a while. Get your shit right. Your mind right." I sit quietly letting her words sink in.
Andy does make quite the point. I always have a guy on me because I feel like I need that attention. But maybe all I need is a little Nadia time. Time to sort out what I want in my life.