Dear Diary..

21 - 6 - 2013

Things have been so crazy around here lately. I feel like I'm fading into the background again. Jayn's back now and I'm, once again, the last thing on everyone's mind. I wish Luke was still talking to me. I bet he could help, but he's not and he hasn't been for over a week now. Evan is ignoring me too...I guess everyone's sick of me, even myself. 

Jayn was gone for a week because she had a huge fight with her parents and I was left with the spotlight on me. It was nice for a while, but I never had a chance to do my own thing. I think I prefer being alone. It's always been that way. I hate crowds, I have social anxiety, so being near tons of people isn't exactly something that I love to be involved in. I like to stay in my little room with my music and my laptop. 

I have tons of friends, but I really just like being alone. Sometimes I'll just have a week when all I want to do is hang out with people, but then I just want to be left alone: Shut off my phone, log out of Facebook and just be by myself and write. I think this is because I'm so used to having people walk out of my life so easily and losing everything. I've learned to detatch myself from things before they can be taken away from me. 

But sometimes, I slip up. I fall for someone. I get attatched. I set myself up to get hurt. That very thing happened about a month ago.

I've known Luke for about two years. We never really spoke to each other because our paths never crossed until this year. I'm a Freshman and he's a Sophomore. In my school, we have kids come over from a school near us in ninth grade because they don't have a highschool. Because of this, my group of about 4 friends turned into about 10 and it also brought me closer to Luke since he hangs out with a few of the people in my newly large group of friends. I never thought anything of him until the last couple weeks before summer vacation (go figure). We had an assembly on the last day of school and we talked a lot through that and then as I waited for Jayn to pick me up from school, I talked to him by the front entrance. I realized that he was really funny and not at all how I imagined him to be. We continued texting daily until last week when it all stopped abruptly and he started talking to another girl in my class. A girl that has a boyfriend. 

I was really upset, not only because he dropped me and found someone else, but because I let myself get attatched. 

Now that Jayn is back in town and Luke isn't talking to me anymore, I've been spending more time on my own than ever and it's getting suffocating..like the walls are starting to close in on me again. I can't fall back into that place. I can't.