An open book

Making Plans

I sat down and opened the small notebook onto my lap and grabbed a pen. 

Dear diary,

Day 43 of junior year:

The words are getting worse. The insults and slurs. They're not even trying to hide that they do it.  I can hear all of it. My mum says that if I want to transfer to another school, I can but fuck. I'm a junior. If I transfer now it'll be to weird. And confusing. She can't home school me because she is always at work. I miss Dana. I broke my hand last night punching a wall.  I don't feel the pain anymore. I haven't for a while. I want to drop out. But hey. There's a new kid.  He's really quiet. He seems strange. I think I may try and talk to him but I don't know. I don't want to make a mistake. What if he turns out just like everyone else? Anyway. I have to go cook dinner. My mum can't right now. I think that tomorrow I'm going to go visit Dana's mother. I haven't seen her in a couple of months. 

Maybe my last entry,

Cora

I closed the notebook and got up. I went to the kitchen and turned on the stove. I'm thinking hot dogs and macaroni. I put the macaroni water in seven to boil and I put the hotdogs on the heat as well. I grabbed my phone and sat at the table. I was going through my phone contacts. I called Dana's mum. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Mrs. Walker. "

"Oh Cora. Hey sweetie. It's been a while"

"Yeah. I know. I was thinking, tomorrow is Saturday."

"That it is" I heard her laugh a little. I smiled a bit. She was like another mother to me. She always was. 

"Well I was wondering if you had any plans."

"No dear I don't actually. Why do you ask?"

"Maybe I could come visit. We could go see a film or something. Or maybe a performance."

"That sounds like a really good idea. Just no zombies this time" we both laughed a little. The last time we saw each other we both decided to go see a zombie movie. She called me the next day because she wanted me to come kill a zombie in her basement. It was probably a mix of her meds and the paranoia. 

"Right. No zombies." We laughed. "Right I'll see you tomorrow then." She said. 

"Yeah. See ya tomorrow." I really loved her. She was always there for me. Even after Dana died. She's in a wheel chair and she doesn't let that stop her from living her life. I got up to check the water. It was boiling so I put the noodles in. The hot dogs were done so I put them on low heat. About fifteen minutes later, dinner was ready. 

"MOM! DINNER!"  I yelled up to her

"Coming sweetie" she yelled back down the steps. I heard footsteps from the upstairs to the downstairs. She got into the kitchen and smiled. 

"Yum. Hot dogs and macaroni. My favorite.'

"I know mom. That's why I made it." Ever since my dad was put in prison, she acts really happy all the time but I can hear her crying at night. She thinks that if she's happy that it will make me be happy too. Obviously she knows about me cutting because, well, every one does. She accepts it and she tries to get me to stop. I promised her I wouldn't kill myself. So I can't. We ate together in silence until I brought up the new kid. 

"So there's a new kid in school. He's really quiet"

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I think I'm going to try to talk to him. He does t know me. I don't think he'll have heard Nything that bad about me yet." 

"That's good sweetie. I'm happy you're trying to make friends." 

"I think it's about time I try at least. "

"I agree. Oh and you have an appointment with Dr. Lyndon tomorrow."

"Why? She doesn't help me. All she does is ask me what's wrong and if I do this because of what Hank did to me." I call my dad Hank because I can't even call that monster a father. 

"Well, do you want to find another doctor?"

"I have no choice. I have to go to therapy. So yeah. I would. If I have to go, I'd like to go to a competent one."

"Its settled then. We'll find you a new therapist. I'll cancel tomorrow's appointment and get you one with someone else." 

"Okay. Oh and I'm going to go see Debby tomorrow."

"That's nice dear. She could use some company. I was on Facebook last night and she posted that she was so bored with her life and wanted some fun back in it."

"Wish I could have seen it." I said plainly. I'm not allowed to be on Facebook anymore because of all the cyber bullying. 

"We'll talk about making you another Facebook but you have to follow certain rules if you do."

"Okay. I mean I just want a normal life. Friends and all that shit" 

"Well, I don't want you making friends with anyone from the shit school you go to, y'know unless they've not been complete asses to you. if there are any." She had venom in her tone  she hates the school but the only reason im still going to this shit hole is because it's the only public school around here. all the other schools cost a fortune. A fortune we dont have. i mean, we arent the richest family. we have some money, but i think that most of it is going to me and therapy, mum has a good job and all,  and i work on weekends, but doctors cost a lot and if we ever want to have fun, private school is out of the question. I work at Pet Smart stocking shelves. Ocasionally someone from my school will walk by me and scoff, or give me dirty looks. once, this one Jock called me a stupid whore and a customer who i had been helping, heard it. he was about my age, looking for some bones and toys for his dog. he stopped, turned around to face the jock, told him to leave me the hell alone, and punched him square in the nose. he had been flirting with me. actually flirting. i couldn't believe it. someone actually flirted with me. I gave him my number, and we talked for a while. we dated for about two months. the day we broke up, was the day before Dana died. he sadi it was because we drifted apart, but i know it was because he saw the cuts on my leg. I mean, who wouldnt freak out over that? i know i would if i was in his position. however i wouldnt break up with that person. I guess i may just never find love. Whatever.

"Cora?" my mom asked. 

"Sorry, umm, what were you saying?" i guess i had been drifting. i mean, she looked like she had been rambeling on and on. i wasn't really paying attention.

"I was saying that i think you should quit your job."

"WHAT?! WHY?!"