What goes through a mind

There's a first time for everyhing

A/N Hello my name is Andrew. This is my story and some recent stuff that has been going on lately.

December 7,2015

Today is another day in which I had an episode. My episodes basically consist of me laying in bed asleep. Then the terrors come.

Terrors ?

Basically it is in which the memories come back. I have a horrible past that I am not proud of but I'm trying to forget it. It's a bit hard when you can't get ready in the morning without seeing them.

So as I was saying I get the terror in which it drives me into depression. Instantly making remember when I did the stuff to my skin. And how I truly deserved it. I instantly wake up and start pacing my mind goes to when it happened for the first time.

*Memory

I had just gone on my first date with this guy. Oblivious to the fact that he was all that and I thought that he might actually like me. The most popular guy liking some fag like me meant a lot. So I instantly freaked out.

We were at the movies seeing like some dumbass movie I can't remember. It was all perfect at least it seemed. I had basically begged my mom to lend me a 20$ bill for the movies. She asked for what but instantly lied saying we had a school project to work on.

(I lied because I knew she was homophobic by the way. )

I had saved up some money and went to a store to get a new pair of ripped skinny jeans. I paid 39.89$ for a pair of jeans and a shirt. Which was most of the money I had saved up, I saved like two dollars of the rest of it for a rainy day.

So I ran home and took basically hours on getting ready perfecting myself as I go. My hair was perfect and I looked good enough. So I ran downstairs before the bell rang so my mom wouldn't answer it.

I yelled to her that I was going to study and she said okay.

I quickly followed him out to his jeep in which he had flowers. Me being excited I quickly hugged him and thanked him. So then we were off to the movies.

When we arrived we got all of are stuff together and headed to room 9. We headed to the very top. Which if you didn't know most people make out up there so my legs went to jello.

We were watching the movie and I just was smiling while he had his arm around my shoulder. I was a bit disappointed when he didn't kiss me but I though maybe when he dropped me off he would.

So when it finally ended we went out of the movies to the parking lot.

The first thing was he was heading to an alley. So basically I was like Yass we can make out. I really wish that happened instead.

He grabbed me and slammed me into the wall, and that was when I saw his friends. They started calling me a faggot and what a dumbass.

" Haha you lil faggot why the hell would anyone like you "

Those words stuck with me. I couldn't help but let a tear fall. My strong wall came crumbling down.

That night they slammed me in a wall, punched me, kicked me , called me names, and slapped me. They would say stuff such as worthless, whore, faggot, fat, ugly, and so on.

At that point I was broken. The feeling was overwhelming. I wanted to numb it. End it. Just let them kill me. Because maybe I am just some useless faggot.

I limped home that night and went to my bedroom. I had broken multiple things. It wasn't helping. I kept trying to relief it by breaking stuff but it didn't work.

But then I had a photo of me and my mom I slammed it on the ground but it cut me. That was my release. The pain of the glass cutting through my skin. I thrived off of it.

So I picked up the piece of glass and dragged it across my wrist. Letting my body become numb.

My whole world crashing and burning.

*End of memory*

Alright so I hoped you liked this is actually all true. This all happened to me. I am getting better at least I think so. For all of you who have cut just message me I will always be there to help. Alright bye ❤️