Lyrical

Hurt - Nine Inch Nails

Oh, God....
I made a promise.
I can't do this...
What will Allison say?
But...just one more slip can't hurt anyone. I need this.
And regardless....Allison doesn't understand how hard this is. Nobody knows what it's like. The slightest things setting me off...hell, I can hardly look at the little bit of blood that comes from a paper cut without feeling like I have to reach for a knife. And I realize that I'm a few scars away from looking like an off-brand Ken doll, with limbs that don't match my head or torso, because of the color differences and all.
But in all honesty...my appearance doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
I don't even have feelings.
I am void of emotions. Life is just this thing that I have to do over
and over
and over
and over
and over day by day....but at this point I don't see why. Really, I can't understand anything. Am I overvaluation this? Surely I'm not the only one out there who sees no point in any of this shit.i know Allison sees a point. Whatever it is, it's pretty damn big, because all I have to do is frown and that woman is attacking me with a year-long speech on the meaning of life. I love her. I really do.
It's just that...
Sometimes...
The only thing that's keeping me from giving in is her. And I don't mean it's my own urge to stay with her.
I just can't bear the though of how broken she would be if...if I was dead.
It's like the blade of my pocketknife gets brighter every day, and the world gets a little darker. The pain isn't even that real anymore.
Just once more in my life, I want to be able to actually hurt.
I don't care what it takes, as long as it kills away the nothing inside.
As long as it lets me forget.
I lay awake every night, watching a slideshow play against my eyelids, showing me every mistake I ever made. I see bloodstained tissues and rusted needles, shirtsleeves long enough to tie  your arms behind yourself with fabric to spare, lakes of tears I likely caused, and endless lies, lies, lies, stacked to the clouds along with so many broken promises.
So this...
So this is my kingdom.
My life. Such waste I've laid to something my parents worked so hard to ensure, all through my early years.
Allison doesn't deserve this.
Yet...
This is all I have to give, and some part of me is screaming for her to take it, everything, down to the last scar. Because this is all I have. Nothing more, nothing less.
And she certainly deserves so much, ever so much more than I could give her. We would be dead without each other.
But there's such a difference between Allison and I, you see...
Because I have always been broken. My dearest was able to piece herself together again, whereas I didn't have the strength. She's found such purpose within herself.
All I found was dust.
And I know that I'm bound to hurt her.
No matter how much I do or don't hurt myself, no matter how hard I try to stay strong for her....and no matter how dead I am inside....
I'm bound to just let her down.
She has to know that....
She has to see it too...
Like everyone else...
I can feel all the eyes on me...
I've become something wrong...
And all I see in the mirror now...
Is exactly what I've become...
A monster.