Broken Hearts Parade

I'm done.

And it was.

They stared, they muttered, and they judged. But none of it matters in the long run.

Logging on Facebook, I scrolled through the top 5 status updates, before Alita message me.

Alita: hey

Jb: Well Hey yourself J What’s up?

Alita: beany is on

Jb: Coolcool!!!

Alita: but so is Emma

Jb: …

Alita: ik…

Jb: Don’t bother beating yourself up girl. ‘Sides, I got your knife.

Alita: i noticed…

Jb: Miss it yet???

Alita: just a tad….

Jb: Haha okay, well, brb ima talk to Beany.

Alita: kk

Opening my chat list, I scroll through the 15 people or so until I hit the M’s. There he is: Micah Bean. Affectionately known as Beany, one of my best friends, and the love of Alita’s life. Too bad a soured friend(cough EMMA!) is all over him. She knows how Alita feels about him. But she’s still willing to risk her friend’s wellbeing over a BOY.

Jb: BEANY!!!

Micah: haha sup

Jb: nmu? Just got done talking to Alita

Micah: coo

Jb: Yeah haha Beany? Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer…

Micah: go for it

Jb: Do you <3 Emma?

Micah: we r dating. but dont tell anyone, or ill have to kill you.

My heart stopped as I read the last I.M. Alita had loved him for so long. She would be heartbroken… Course, which one of us isn’t? We ARE the broken hearts parade, after all. How dare Emma do that to her! She calls herself Alita’s friend… If she was Alita’s friend, she would, just once, let Alita get the guy, not take him out from under her. As I get my breathing back under control, and I stop seeing red, I reply.

Jb: I won’t Beany. You’re my friend….

How are you going to tell Alita?

Micah: idk yet. Im scared about how shell take it…

Jb: Let me prepare her first. I can do that without telling her.

Micah: how so?

Jb: Idk yet, lol I just wing it. But I’ll figure it out, and get her prepared. Let you know when ‘kay?

Micah: K… thanks

Jb: No problem bud. Gtg luvz ya!

Micah: lata!!!

Signing off, I tilt my head straight back and yell for my mother from my crowded back bedroom. I can hear her faint “What” lazily hollered back. With spots clouding my vision, I stomp out of my room, to the other end of the hall where my parent’s room is.

“She’s fucking dating him Mom!” I rage through the bathroom door at her.

“Well, Janna, you can’t make that decision for Sammy. If she wants to be-”

Cutting her off in my impatience, I snap back “Not Sammy. Emma. She’s dating Bean.” Getting quieter, my heart starts to throb for Alita. “We lost Mommy.”

“Well. That’s her fault.” My mom states. “She didn’t want to fight like a girl, so she lost as a boy.”

“Yeah…” I trail off, lumbering out of the bedroom. Heading back into mine, I flop down on my bed and log off Facebook. I just couldn’t deal with it now. Whipping out my cell phone, I text Ty.

Hey J

Less than 30 seconds later, he texts back.

Hey baby J What’s up??

Sighing, I lay back to text him mindlessly for the next 3 hours.

Logging back onto facebook, I am immediately messaged by Alita.

Alita: theyre dating.

For the second time today red clouds my vision. Who told her?! Ugh. This is so far out of line it isn’t even funny! Why can’t people just let me protect my friends? And with that thought, I furiously bury my head in others dramas, too scared to look at my own.

I’m lying in my bed.

It’s early in the morning.

My resolve is hardening.

My breath is coming faster. The furious tears are burning down my cheeks, the pain choking my heart. But I let it all come.

He called me a slut again… Said he got some ass. Him and I both know I denied him. Over… And over… And over. People keep asking me about it. Telling me the lies he told.

A friend of mine told me... When he found out I was with him for 6 months almost, and hadn't... Fucked him... That 6 months was about the breaking point, you got to fuck him or dump him... If I had just let him... Instead of fighting...

But who the hell am I kidding? I'm a passionate romantic. I love him. Love the fact, with a look, he could have me moaning. Love the sweet words, and how tender his rough hands could be. Love the late night phone calls, where his voice would all of a sudden go husky, and he'd tell me he popped a boner just listening to me... Love when his voice would go high and cutesy, when he called me his little country girl.

Love... Loved.

Because who the fuck am I kidding,

I hated the harsh words

I hate the fucking pain he loved to see me in

I hate being vulnerable.

I hate him controlling me

***As much as it hurts, you'll find another just like him***

I don't want another like him. I want him to be the last.

I'm sick of being another person's toy... their possession.

Because toys break.

And get old.

And I'm forever.

He's not going to stop. He's not going to stop until he's controlling me... Benson gave up, after I made the fight too hard, with not enough reward... But all he wants, his whole drive is to control me

He's got until school starts to give me up... Before the iron gets too hot to hold.

I'm letting go.