Promise me?

Eyes Open

I kinda thought we had that kind of love that could only be found once in a life time. That kind of love that you crave on a Sunday morning, when you wake up well rested and turn over to watch the love of your life fast asleep, dreaming of a life with you.  All I know is that when I looked at him, I felt so lucky. The way his soft tan skin felt against mine as he held me, the way his wavy brown hair fell  over his face as he awoke from a deep sleep, the way his bright hazel eyes glistened at me. The way he said " I love you" with such a soft monotone voice that gave me shivers. He was that kind of love you couldn't find in anyone else, but...sadly I had to, but couldn't.

  I guess that's kind of the downside of falling in love with your best friend, because when you lose them it's like losing your whole world.

  I find the word "almost" to be the most disappointing word in the dictionary.
" We almost got married", "They almost made it out alive", " I almost passed that test", "I almost got that last piece of cake."  It signifies that something was about to happen, but it didn't. That for that split second of hope you thought that everything would fall into place; that for those few minutes, hours, or days,the whole world would be at peace and everything would be right. I guess the word almost is such a depression trigger for me because...he was my almost.

  There I was, sitting there, drowning in my emotions; not  knowing where to turn accept to the bottle of whiskey in my hand and the pack of cigarettes in my back pocket.  It was like I had lost apart of myself and his absence made me loose my damn mind. But it only made me realize how important he was to me. My thoughts about him lay deep in the back of my mind, so when I was under the influence of the alcohol, I could try to resist the urge to text him, call him, go over to his house, just anything to get myself to find the nerve to talk to him. Yes, we've talked here and there, but our talks were those kind of talks you have at 3 a.m when you can't fall asleep and life is crumbling before your eyes. I hadn't seen him in two months. I hadn't gone anywhere without thinking "Oh my god. I hope I run into him. Maybe then he'll kiss me and tell me that he loves me, we'll get back together, I know it." I had ran into him. In that moment I was shocked and I didn't know whether I should kiss him or say hi and walk away, so I did both. It was that type of kiss that you see in the movies. After the movies "it" couple has a huge fight and they plan on never seeing each other again, but the man finally realizes what he had done wrong and five minutes before the credits role he buys the women flowers, finds out where she is, and apologizes for his wrongs and gives her the kiss of life. Except, we didn't apologize, we weren't the cliche of a story that the director would call a "big hit." We looked each other in the eyes and just kissed. It was the kiss of life, but without all that sappy romantic shit in the middle. That day, I took one look at him, and fell in love with him all over again.  

  The whiskey bottle in my hand was half empty, the taste and the trance of the alcohol was so tempting, but I shouldn't have drank anymore. Thank god I had the last bit of common sense that I did to put the cap back on and screw it closed before I drank the rest.  I looked out into the sky as I sat on my patio,  watching the stars twinkle and the moon reflect on the little duck pond in the back. I always loved watching the ducks splash around in the pond or walk up to the patio door to beg me for bread. Especially the cute fluffy yellow ones. The wittle babies. Dakota , my almost, used to catch the ducklings that had strayed away from their mothers. We'd take care of them till they were old enough to go out on their own.  It's kinda like we had our own little family to love and nurture. Since I was eleven years old I knew that I was going to have a family with him. I, Serinia Collins was going to have a family with Dakota  Williams. After my long thought process of what a family would be like without having ducklings for kids, I finally decided to stumble inside and lay on the couch. 

  Stupidly of me, I chose to stumble onto the couch that was in perfect view of the cascade of pictures on the wall. Silly lovable, happy crazed pictures of two people in love. Sometimes I'll look through the pictures of us that I still keep on my phone,  or the pictures on the wall or the fridge door. Whenever I see you my face lights up with this uncontrollable smile. I guess that's because even through the hard times, he was still the one to make me laugh and smile. I couldn't live without him, I can't. He's like air and I need him to breathe.