Fear

I am afraid. I am afraid of being afraid. I am afraid that I am afraid of being afraid. I am not, however, afraid to admit that I am afraid of admitting that I am afraid of being afraid. What does it mean to be afraid? Let’s analyse it, shall we? In my head, I can see it. A Big Bad Monster with Big Bad eyes of red. He stalks the shadows of innocents, praying on unrealised desire. But while I search for him, he too is searching.  We both grasp for resolutions to questions unanswered. We are both unfulfilled.

The idea of completion is a funny one. Why is it that we think we must find a complete resolution to feel whole? What is it that we are searching for, really? Maybe it’s validation. Validation of our worthiness or unworthiness, I wonder.

This Big Bad Monster is craving. Constantly. He does not rest, for he is restless. I suddenly feel sorry for him. His Big Bad eyes are no longer intimidating,.His Big, Sad eyes of blue encompass his true vulnerability. I see now he does not quiver with anger; he quivers in sadness. He projects this unto others in order to seek credibility and understanding.

My Big Bad Monster doesn’t seem so Big and Bad any more.  His bravado was merely a disguise.  A shield to protect himself from ideas of his incapability and unworthiness. Is fear itself fearful? If I am the creator of this reality, I can choose to receive fear with open arms.  This Not So Big Bad Monster craves validation but it is not necessary for me to give it to him.  I am not my fear, this Not So Big Bad Monster is not me.  Fear is something that I can appreciate, but will not validate.

I choose to receive fear with love. Fear shows me a contrasting existence that I choose to stray from. I appreciate the wisdom of what fear has to offer. Perhaps fear acts in a way that is unreasonable, but its true purpose for being is one of great importance- To teach those who are brave enough to venture out into the darkness and search for answers.

Maybe I’ve been perceiving fear in the entirely wrong way. Maybe fulfilment, reaching a resolution is an idealised concept that does not exist. Have we fooled ourselves into believing that we are not whole already? Perhaps we crave, perhaps we long for things we do not have, but that is a part of being truly expressive and expansive. A willingness and need to explore and derive new meaning from old concepts is ingrained in our soul. We are not incomplete, we are whole. We search to evolve and expand our horizons. We can’t be fooled by the idea of fear. Our perception is wrong. We have been brought into a world so immersed in the man-made concept of fear that we treat it as though it is our reality. If this is my dream, and I am the creator I choose carve my own path. Lift the veil and continue as though I was never afraid of being afraid and never will be again.

But have I solved this puzzle? No, it would be silly of me to assume that I have. In fact, I’ve posed more questions than I’ve uncovered answers. In this ever expansive and evolving reality there is infinite room for further exploration. So I suppose the answer is never permanent, only true in this present moment.  So what does this mean?

I am an explorer.  I am exploring the idea of exploration.  I am exploring the concept of exploring the idea of exploration. I am not, however, afraid to explore the idea of the concept of exploration through the medium of exploring exploration.  So what does it mean to be an explorer? Let’s analyse it, shall we?