Too Little Too Late

Let Me Last the Night

Light didn't know how much time passed from when he said the words that had been running through his head for days, until L moved, slowly shuffling his feet from his chair to the floor, but then his eyes finally broke from Light's and Light could breathe again. His feet felt unnaturally light compared to the burning weight in his chest. It was like his legs had evaporated, or been filled with helium, and the surreality of it made his stomach turn, adding to the overall feeling of illness under his skin. L took the lead, walking unhurriedly to the elevator, and Light trailed behind him, feeling like he was floating. He swallowed dryly and shook his head in an attempt to clear it of the fog that was clouding his senses. The door closed them in and the air suddenly felt too close, suffocating. Light wasn't generally a very anxious person but he'd gotten used to it sometime since being in that cell. He didn't know if it had been the darkness, or the isolation, or maybe something separate from the imprisonment altogether; maybe L really had gotten to him. Light had already decided that L's accusations were what made him ask to be put in the cell in the first place. He'd gotten into Light's head, made him doubt himself. He'd wanted to put that doubt to rest, wanted L to trust him so he could trust himself, and he'd thought it had worked. Something had clicked for Light; being completely alone in the darkness with only himself for company had helped to clear his head and things had suddenly become a lot more clear to him. L had put him through that test with his dad but he'd expected Light to pass, Light was sure of it. So they would be okay and they could finally focus on catching the real Kira.

Except that the more Light thought about everything, the less sure he became. A lot of the past months was fuzzy; there were things he recalled doing that he couldn't think of the reasoning behind. Some of the blanks he could fill in with what he'd deduced based on circumstances and his own feelings, like why he'd wanted to be locked up, but there were other things he couldn't explain, discrepancies that made dark curls of apprehension twist sourly in his stomach. He was supposed to have proved himself but he was more confused than ever, and L, though he didn't seem to think that Light was Kira anymore, didn't exactly think he was innocent either. He was watching Light, always, as if he expected him to sprout a second head and start confessing at any moment, and it made Light feel so terribly alone, as if he'd never left that cell. Light wasn't generally a very emotional person, or at least he didn't let his own personal circumstances affect him when there were so many bigger things in the world to worry about, but he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed no matter how many times he told himself it didn't matter and that he had to focus on finding Kira. He felt like he'd done something awful and just didn't know what it was but would give it away somehow and L would see it, and then Light would lose the closest thing he had to a real friend, a real connection, and somehow that scared him more than anything else. He was a mess of raw nerves, wound more tightly each day until he felt like he would snap --until he wanted to.

They stepped out onto their floor in silence, just like on any other night but for the oppressive atmosphere between them that consisted of Light's nervousness and uncertainty. It weighed on him, pushed his head down, his eyes to the floor. He wondered, as he had countless times whiles considering this, whether it wasn't a mistake. He'd thought himself into circles, talked himself out of it again and again just to find himself continuing to think about it, wanting it. He was all mixed up, he knew that. L was partly responsible for how he'd been feeling after all. L and his manipulative little games and his watchful, knowing eyes. Light was confused. He associated L with safety, despite everything the man had put him through, because he was L and L was everything Light hated about the world corrected, and his suspicion of Light only made Light want his approval that much more. Ryuuzaki was...amazing, really. Brilliant. Light's head was just projecting his craving for company, confusing respect for...something else. Light knew that, but he'd still thought about it. Wanted it. Warmth and contact and connection. Light wasn't generally a very selfish person but this he needed.