Nobody knows what it's like to be so completely in love with someone, and deep down know, he’s not the one for you. Nobody knows what its like to feel the need to go behind their parents backs, just to talk to the one you love. Nobody knows what it's like for your parents to totally despise the one you care most about. Nobody knows what its like to have secrets like these. To have feelings like these, and restrictions like those. or at least, that's how I feel. that nobody knows..
I'm not a fake...Though everyday I pretend to be okay. Everyday I think about what the future holds.. I think about him, and my parents, and I cry because I feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings. But yes, I have feelings. I have feelings for him, and I don’t know what could ever change that. I’m in love, for the first time, and honestly.. I don’t want anybody else. And the truth is, no, I don’t know what the hell to do.. but I know one thing's for damn sure. Its my heart telling me I love him. It's my heart telling me I want him and need him... not my head.
I’m not the type of teenage girl to rebel against their parents. I love my mom and my dad, and it hurts to know I’m going behind their backs.. It's crazy the things I would do for this boy. It's as if he has me under a spell. He's manipulated me to the point where I can love him for the things he has done, and thirty minutes later, despise him for the things he has not; or vise versa. When I'm with him, nothing else seems to matter. I don't care about the weight of the world on my shoulders, I don't care what my parents would think, and I don't think about getting hurt. I'll do anything.. strive to make myself believe that the amount of love is evenly distributed between our rebellious hearts. But the discouraging feeling of such lie will always linger in the back of my mind. I only refuse to betray my very apprehensive heart. Forcing someone to fall out of love, only makes them want it more. Unfortunately, my parents will never seize to come about this realization. For all they know, I'm getting by. My dad has finally found someone to love and give the majority of his attention to. Sometimes I feel like I'm just there, or I’m having to keep my thoughts to myself because he's found someone else to listen to. I use to cry to him, tell him everything. I don't want to be selfish, but I hate not being the only girl in his life. Some moments, I think he realizes he hasn’t spent much time with me, so he tries, and I'm happy he does. We go to church and that makes me happy, too.
My mom, on the other hand, is very observant. She knows I'm not over Christian, and she tries her hardest to keep me showing it; even if it means hurting me. I can relate to her, and she can relate to me. She knows me better than anybody ever will. She tells me things that crush me. all the time. "I refuse to let you be with that thug." "Your better than that, he'll probably end up killing himself someday." "I know how you feel, Courtney, I've been in that situation before. I had to stop what you couldn't." She's been through so much I know she has herself convinced that the same thing could happen to me. I really do love my mom. I always look forward to being with her, and talking to her about things we agree on. Things we've been through.. We have so much in common. She's my best friend, because she's the only one I can trust. That's exactly why I feel so alone; it's because I can't talk to my own mom about the thing that matters most to me. I can't tell her how I feel. She'll only tell me to get over it. I can't tell her what I've done. It'd ruin our relationship. It's so hard to keep everything such a big secret. It's difficult for me to believe things could always be worse. It's abstruse to convince myself it's not worth my tears. That everything will be okay. Nobody should have to keep their love life a secret. It's a dreadful thing to experience. I feel so alone, in such a bitter psychological state of agitation and panic.
