Indecisive Insecurities

Chapter 1

I believe, every body has a moment when they consider suicide in life. It's no big deal. People walking down the street, thinking and talking about ending their lives every day. Maybe you think I have such a gloomy perception about human nature. Perhaps it's because I have first hand experience, and as a consequence, a permanent proof on my wrist.

I got these ugly marks at the end of middle school, when I was still a loner girl. You can't imagine a life so empty, without friends and families to talk to. My parents are bussinessmen, they only come home for a few days once every three months to check up on my school progress. I feel that they never really care about me. A maid comes and go twice a week. And that's all there was about the people in my life.

School was hell. Lunch in the cafeteria felt so awkward when you had no friends, so I didn't eat lunch. Sometimes when I was too hungry, I would buy lunch and eat it somewhere else.

It wasn't that I chosed to be alone. I tried to make friends, believe me. But after certain amounts of failures you realized that there's something wrong with you when everyone is so cheerful and happy and you hated them all because inside you just wanted to cry. 

So, in the end I was too tired to even trying anymore. Life seemed to has its way to let me down everytime I had started to feel okay. I guess being alone, even though sad, had its perks. I didn't have to deal with all the meaningless things normal people do. 

But being alone causing me to be very deppressed. The thoughts about what's the point in living when I feel so alone all the time kept nagging in my brain like a stubborn leech. I started to cut myself.

One day was more depressing than the others. School more resembled hell than usual. I came home to find the same soulless place. I cried. I felt so alone. I came to the bathroom and cut my arms again. I didn't even realize what I was doing. Suddenly I felt so weak and blood had been flooding the bathroom floor. On my wrist were countless of nasty cuts.

But it's all in the past now.

I wouldn't want to repeat what happened. Looking at my life today, I often wonder what's wrong with me back then. Maybe, I am just one of those people who is prone to depression. You know, like having a personality disorder.

I'm a junior in high school now, and I have friends. I hold on to them so tight. Sometimes I'm feeling like my hands are bound yet I can't let go. I'm too scared to go back to the day I almost ended my life. I'm too scared of feeling again the cruel thing that was so familiar to me, loneliness.

Unfortunately, I have another problem. Like I said, life always has its way to get me down whenever I'm feeling it has been starting to run smoothly.

"Levi, get the cooler to the van will ya!" Connor, one of my guy friends, yells to me from his garage. 

"Sure!" I shout back. I watch the big cooler besides me with reluctance. It's not like I'm anti-feminism or something, but that cooler is full and huge while my body is a bit on the small side. Great, where's chivalry when you need them?

"Here, let me help you with that," says another guy voice which sounds like music to my ears. A presence coming close and I could smell his cologne and feel the wind from his movement sweeping over my skin. I shiver.

Talking about pathetic.

This guy, who causes so many things running wild inside my body whenever he's near is my best guy friend, and my best friend's boyfriend.

"Thanks!" I mumble, glancing at him to show my gratitude. He smiles back, causing my heart to leap involuntarily. Jeez, this boy and his unwanted effect on me.