faster than the speed of light

first kiss

"Come on, Stewie. Let's go." Brian's knuckles hit the bathroom door and he lets out an impatient sigh. They were meant to leave ten minutes ago. "Do you need help in there, or anything?"

Stewie takes one last look at himself in the mirror. The original idea was that he was going to wear that tuxedo Lois bought him for the Fat Man's wedding, but you know... This feels a lot more like him. He doesn't ponder on what that might mean.

He's dressed in a shimmering blue dress and a platinum blonde wig, tied in with silver heels and some of Lois' better jewelry to make his eyes pop and make his dress sparkle a little more. He leans in towards the mirror and puckers his lips, pressing them together to smear the gloss he'd just applied. He takes Lois' eyeliner pencil and fixes his wings. Good to go.

He lets out an exhale, his hands shaking a little bit. "I'm coming out," he responds, finally. He regrets his words as soon as they leave his lips — Brian isn't going to let that one slip past him, is he? Whatever. It's just Brian, he reminds himself for the billionth time that night.

He twists open the door to the bathroom and slowly takes a step out, his tiny hands lifting up his dress as he does. Heels are hard to walk in, so he stumbles a little bit, pushing his fake hair behind his shoulder. He looks up at Brian.

Brian's face is blank, and Stewie doesn't know how to read that. He might be disgusted by Stewie's outfit, or he might be impressed. Hell, he might even be turned on, as far as Stewie knows.

"Well, let it out, already, let's hear it."

But Brian just says, "About time. Come on, we're running late," and turns to head down the stairs.

Stewie supposes that's definitely not the worst reaction he could have gotten from his canine companion, so he'll take it. He follows Brian down the stairs, enjoying the clicking of his heels more than he should.

They head into Brian's cab, and the ride to the restaurant is quiet. Brian doesn't say much other than the odd curse word when they hit a red light and 'mhm,' in response to something Stewie says. So Stewie stays quiet, too, keeping his eyes on the window until they arrive.

Brian gets out first, and Stewie trots behind. They've reserved a table for two and they're lead to the table by a tall man with a bushy moustache and curly hair. His breath smells like coffee.

They're in a booth, so Stewie scoots next to Brian and lifts up his menu. They aren't here to eat, but they aren't not here to eat. "What are you thinking of having?" He tilts his head to look at Brian.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Brian responds bluntly. Stewie notices that he hasn't even touched his menu yet.

Excuses: I haven't done laundry this week, it's all I could find, everyone knows you're not gay so I didn't want to draw attention to us by dressing like a man...

"I'm in character, Brian," he says with an eye roll, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world and Brian should have known that. "I'm expanding my horizons, you see. I have no problem playing a man, but a woman? I've got no idea how to be a woman. What better way to understand women than being one?"

It's Brian's turn to roll his eyes. "Whatever," he dismisses it, picking up his menu. He doesn't look at the food, however, his eyes are on the tables that surround theirs, instead. "Mayor West and Meg are over there. Do you have the tape recorder?"

Stewie reaches into his purse (which makes Brian visibly uncomfortable) and pulls out a tape recorder. He hands it to Brian, and sets his menu down on the table, closing it. He shifts so he can get a better view of his sister and Mayor West. He can spot them at the next table over, he can overhear them talking about how glad they are they have one another.

Brian moves the tape recorder closer but there's no point because all of a sudden they're leaving and how many babies hang out with dogs? Meg will recognize them and their cover will be blown so Stewie blurts out, "They're coming this way, kiss me!"

But to his surprise, Brian does. Brian's lips are against Stewie's and Stewie's eyes shut. He has no idea how to kiss, obviously. He's a baby. But that doesn't seem to be a problem for Brian, because Brian is kissing him enthusiastically and Stewie can feel Brian's warm tongue and his silky lips and underneath his hands, Stewie can feel Brian's soft fur. His heart beats faster and his stomach flips. He and Brian float up into the clouds where they stay together, looking down at the Earth underneath them. Brian holds Stewie and Stewie is warm, comfortable. He feels safe. Brian keeps kissing Stewie and saying, "Mine."

"Stewie? You all right?"

He falls from the clouds and rejoins reality. He opens his eyes and looks around — oh. He and Brian aren't kissing anymore. They're still in the restaurant. Mayor West and whatshername. Brian.

"Oh. Uh. Yeah." Stewie looks away from Brian. Brian, Brian, Brian. Perhaps it's the haze of the night itself or the confidence he gets from wearing the dress. Perhaps he's just loopy. "Freaking shot in the dark here, but do you wanna do something sometime?"

Brian's eyebrows furrow like he's waiting for something (a punchline, perhaps?) but when whatever he's looking for doesn't come (or perhaps it does) he sighs and says, "Stop fucking around, man, we gotta follow them."

Stewie wants to argue that he is not in fact fucking around — no, he really liked Brian's lips against his — but he thinks it's better if Brian does think he's fucking around. Brian and Stewie isn't something that could ever work out, and Stewie's certain of that. Even if Brian weren't a dog and Stewie weren't a baby, they're like family. Kind of. Besides, he's seen enough sitcoms and eighties movies to know that it's never a good idea to pursue a relationship with your best friend. Besides besides, he doesn't even know what that was. Maybe he's coming down with something. He clears his throat and says, "Yeah, okay, let's go."