faster than the speed of light

second kiss

It's actually Brian's idea. It's as innocent as kisses can be, on Brian's part, at least. A friendly kiss and Stewie is nothing but a convenience.

Stewie signs them up for the army, much to Brian's dismay. Other than the physical training and the fact that Brian has no idea how to get any weed around here, it's not that bad at first. It's mostly just a lot of guys talking about pussy they've gotten in the past and fucking around with their guns. Everyone trying to outshine everyone else, everyone trying to impress their fathers that wait for them at home. Everyone wanting to come back with heroic stories and everyone trying to show the girl who rejected them back home what she's missing out on.

And Brian hates it. To say the least, it's not really his scene. And being the obnoxious atheistic (occasional agnostic) liberal that he is, he really doesn't fit in. It's not like at home where he doesn't quite fit in, it's more like he's a sore thumb.

People hate him for it. The way you hate a sore thumb.

He hates being hated. He's leaving, he insists. He's going back home and he's going to smoke a joint and finish his book, maybe start dating again. But Stewie convinces him to stay somehow, so Brian stays for himself and partially for Stewie, too. Not for his dad, and certainly not for any girl.

Certainly not.

Next thing he knows, though, they're being shipped off to Iraq, and Brian watches the news sometimes, he's heard things about Iraq. Needless to say, none of them have been good, and Brian may have made it this far, but he can't make it in Iraq. Who knows what'll happen to him? He's sure the treatment of dogs (especially those fighting for America) isn't like it is here and more importantly, it's like, really hot there, isn't it?

They have to get out of it, they decide, and neither of them want to spend life in jail so they try everything to get kicked out. Everything. But nothing works. "You're stuck here," everyone around them taunts.

So Brian's genius idea is that maybe if they pretend to be gay, they'll get kicked out. And of course they have to make a show of it, they have to make it look convincing. Like they're really, really gay. For Stewie, it's not that much of a stretch. At this point, Brian is just waiting for the kid to realize and come out of the closet. It's funny. Stewie is smarter than anyone Brian has ever met or read for that matter, but he doesn't even know his own sexuality. Figures.

For Brian, however, well, he has no idea how to act gay. He knows gay people, of course, like his cousin Jasper. He's seen gay people on television, he watched at least half of Will and Grace. So he knows, like, how they act and stuff, but he doesn't know how to be gay. So he starts off simple, by holding Stewie's hand. That's pretty gay, right?

He doesn't notice the way Stewie stiffens a little when Brian squeezes the infant's hand. They wander over to the most public place they can find, in the centre of a crowd of soldiers. Brian looks around before he leans down and kisses Stewie. He feels Stewie's tiny hands clutch onto his snout as they kiss. Dick or not, Brian can't deny that Stewie's mouth is nice. Warm and inviting. Soft and sloppy.

He pulls back and looks around, but no one's paying any attention to them. Dammit. "Oh, Stewie," he says loudly, dramatically. "I am soooo gay for you."

Stewie steps in closer and stares up at Brian with hearts in his eyes, and Brian almost thinks they're real, but he also knows that Stewie is a really, really good actor. (Better than he is, although Brian hates admitting it to himself.) "Me too. I'm so totally gay and I love doing gay stuff with you, Bri," Stewie giggles. It's so convincing, Brian is starting to doubt the whole act thing.

His doubts are confirmed when another soldier asks if they can make it a threeway and Stewie says yes. He hits the back of Stewie's head and tells the guy to fuck off, guiding Stewie back behind their cabin angrily.

He doesn't know why he's so pissed off, but he is. He turns around and shouts, "What the hell, man?"

Stewie looks up at Brian with a confused expression. "What?"

"What the hell were you doing back there? What do you think this is?"

"What the devil are you talking about, Brian? It's called acting. I was playing a part and —"

"The hell you were," Brian snaps. "You took that way too far. What if that had escalated? Fucking agreeing to a threesome with some fa—"

"What's the matter with you?" Stewie snaps back. "We had a plan, we executed said plan, I played my part wonderfully —"

"Yeah, too wonderfully," Brian scoffs.

"Oh, you know what, Brian? Go fuck yourself." Stewie flips him off and then disappears in the other direction, probably to go find that guy. Or maybe to go find something to hit Brian with.

He huffs and puts a cigarette between his lips. Whatever. It's none of his business what Stewie does — or wants to do — with guys. He lights his cigarette and inhales, filling his lungs with smoke.

'But if it's none of your business, Brian,' Stewie's voice asks in his head, 'then why does it bother you so much?'

Fuck off.

Brian avoids Stewie for the rest of the day. He avoids everyone and everything, frankly, hiding behind base camp. He reads David Hume, or rather, tries to. His eyes read the words but his mind is elsewhere. Back at home, laying on the couch next to Lois. He hates to admit that it bothers him, but he hasn't been pet in days, and he misses Lois' touch. No one makes his leg shake the way Lois does when she hits the right spot. His mind is laying on the foot of Lois and Peter's bed, the perfect balance of high and tired. His mind is doing stupid shit with Peter, his mind is anywhere but here.

He smokes more than his lung can afford, and he eventually wanders into the cafeteria to get some dinner. He doesn't bump into Stewie which worries him. He knows logically that Stewie's probably fine, but what if he ran off or what if that guy took advantage of him or what if he's dead or what if what if what if. It makes his stomach ache and he decides he's not hungry anymore so he might as well get some sleep. He heads to his cabin which is completely empty except for a couple of men. Brian hesitated to look at them, he doesn't want to know what they're doing. He heads to his bunk and peers at the top but he doesn't see Stewie. His stuff is still there, though, which gives Brian a little hope that he's still here, somewhere. Just as he's about to crawl into bed, he finds Stewie's tiny body, curled up and asleep. He smiles a little bit, reaching out to gently stroke the infants cheek to wake him up. Stewie shivers a little bit, but other than that, doesn't wake up at all. Brian gently shakes his shoulder, leaving down to murmur his name, quietly, so no one else will hear him.

Stewie stirs, his eyes slowly opening. "Bri?" he murmurs back, stretching out his arms. His voice is sleep ridden and he looks confused.

"Yeah. Move over a little," he says. He gets underneath the scratchy covers and sighs, wrapping his arms around Stewie. He holds Stewie close, like a teddy bear.

Stewie yawns, snuggling up to Brian, burying his face in his fur. "Are you apologizing?" he asks.

"Yeah."

"Okay, good. I forgive you."

Brian yawns, nuzzling his cheek as a thank you. "Go back to sleep," he says, and Stewie does.