It Started with the List

23

"You actually want me to hold this for you?" Aileen said, confused.

"Yeah, is there something wrong with that?" I replied.

"How do you even know we'll still be friends in 4 years? Shouldn't you give it to someone you know you'll be friends with forever? Someone like Henry or something. Why don't you give it to Carly or something? Why don-"

"No, Aileen." I cut her off. "I need you to hold it."

"Why?" She tilts her head a little.

"Because." Was my response.

She waits for me to finish then punches my arm. "That's not valid, at all!"

"Well, you're just gonna have to deal with it. I'm not telling you the real reason." I told her.

"What's the real reason?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah." She nodded her head eagerly. "I won't take your letter unless you tell me."

"Fine." I say, rolling my eyes. "Henry would probably lose it the day after I give it to him. Carly would make fun of me for writing what I wrote in there. I trust you with the letter. And I want you to be there in 4 years. As you said before, Henry's a sure thing. I'm not gonna lose connection with my family either. And I know Liz, Adam and Reece can't function without me in their lives. I just want to know you'll be there too, no matter how many stupid things I do. Because you'll have to see me again, in four years. We'll bond again, and everything will be right in the world again."

Aileen stared at me for a little while before grabbing the letter out of my hand. "I'm gonna go read it." She got up and ran off somewhere.

Just then, my phone started ringing. I look at it to see Henry's face on my screen, his ugly selfie I put as his contact picture. "Hello." I answer it.

"Where are you?"

"Over at Aileen's house, why?"

"You guys are alone, aren't you? You are, I know it."

"So?"

"You having fun? You having my kinda fu-"

"Shut up, Henry. Why did you call me?"

"Oh, yeah. Just needed to know where Ty's spare inhaler is. The other one's empty."

"You're such an idiot!" I yell, smacking my head. "It's in the medicine cabinet, second shelf. And Hen, next time it's a life threatening situation, don't converse with me. Just tell me what's wrong."

"Hopefully, there won't be a next time." He hangs up and I pick up my backpack off the ground. I rush down the stairs, struggling to zip up my bag.

"Aileen! I have to get home!" I yell as I leave the house. I rush over to my own, shoving the key into the lock and bursting the door open.

I come just in time to see Tyler running up the stairs. I drop my bag, and leap up the stairs. I grab him and pull him into my room, shutting the door behind me. "I'm fine, Ash. You can let me go." He told me, his breathing already spazzy.

"Ty, you need to relax. Focus on your breathing. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale." I told him calmly.

After he takes a couple deep breaths Ty replied, "I told you I was fine. Now move from the door." Instead of following his instruction, I sat down, leaning against the door. I gave him a look that said 'I dare you to challenge me' and he slumped onto my bed.

"You and I both know what would've happened, had I not came home."

"It hasn't happened in a while, I think I can keep that anxiety at bay for now."

"And you were running off to where? Your room, I presume, so everyone wouldn't see you. You know you can't control them and you're scared of the fact. You're scared that people would treat you differently if they found out you're flawed. You're not ready to get that somethings happen to you that you could possibly prevent but you don't because you don't know how."

"Ashton, I love you with all my heart, you know that." I nodded. He did this fake smile for me. "But... you're not flawed, Ash. You're the perfect son, student and friend. You don't understand what it's like to have something wrong with you. You can't help me with these stupid anxiety attacks I have. No one can help me but myself. So can I please go?"

"No. You actually believe I'm, what you call, perfect?" I ask in disbelief.

He sighed, "You don't show any signs of being flawed, so yeah. You're perfect, or as close as you can get to being perfect."

I laughed dryly. "Everyone has something that makes them imperfect. Everyone has a flaw."

"Oh, yeah? What's your flaw?"

I exhaled deeply and smiled at him. "Sometimes, I feel void of emotion. Everyone around me can be laughing and happy, and I'm putting on the mask that I'm happy. But inside, it's empty. I don't feel a thing. I don't know what it is, but it just happens in the most random of moments. But when I'm with you and Mom and Carly, I never get that way because trying to help you and trying to make you happy, makes me happy. So, I'm sorry I make it seem like I'm perfect. But, little bro, I'm far from it."

Ty's expression softened. "Why don't you ever talk to us about it? About the way you feel? Er, the way you don't feel."

"Because, how can I help you if you're worrying about me?"

"You didn't even tell Mom, did you? So, you've just been handling your problem on your own? You really shouldn't do that. You didn't even give yourself time to properly mourn after Dad passed. Wait. Is that why?"

"It started happening at the half year mark. It was just these random moments I would catch myself feeling empty." I reveal.

"Does it happen when you're with your friends?" I slowly nod. "What about... what about when you're with Aileen? Has it ever happened then?"

Thinking about Aileen made a smile appear on my face. "Uh, no. Never. Maybe that's why I like being around her so much. She makes me feel things, good things."

After a few moments of silence, Ty finally spoke. "I'm sorry about what I said to you. I don't know what came over me."

"It's fine." I said. "Oh, I'm not gonna hold you captive anymore." I stood up from the door.

"We should talk more often, Ash. I liked this." Ty said, opening the door up.

"Me too, Ty." I smiled as he walked out. "Good talk."

&&&&&&

everyone has their flaws, i guess... this is super late but whatever, yeah.

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