15/10/15
I woke up this morning broken. I know why but I just wasn't expecting it. I'm shocked but not surprised.
So now I would usually say something like 'I know how to fix this and I probably will' and that'll be the end of it. This time is different though.
I suppose I could say it's a combination of working really hard and sleeping really late, but there's more than that.
I think I'll end this with a letter.
Dear Confusion,
I'm sorry. I'm selfish. I don't understand - but maybe I do? Perhaps I just take these things better than you do. I have no way of knowing.
You say I talk in riddles and I admit I probably do, but it's easier than not saying anything at all, like you do.
"I miss the busy streets and hanging out with you all day". Come back and we can have a laugh on and off the tube all day. I know you'd like that.
I don't know how to approach you. Should I be kind? Should I be firm? It's disheartening to know you won't listen to me either way.
I've just become a burden for you I suppose. But you're no less for me either these days. A part of me thinks it was always like this and maybe I just liked the burden. Maybe I care too much when I shouldn't. But I won't anymore. Or will I? Do people like me ever change?
But it's just fine. Ignore me when I'm trying to help you. No big deal. It's not like what I'm saying will actually be useful to you in any way.
Do I need you or do you need me? 'Need' is a funny word. I don't know how to answer the question.
I just don't want you to mess up again. You want me to get off your case and stop stressing you out - I'm guessing. I'm only trying to help. I left and you messed up. I know for a fact that you wouldn't have if I was there and so do you but here we are, in a room full of empty silences and frustration.
I would help you if you let me. I'm trying but you're not letting me. We can't fight all our battles alone so stop trying to.
I wish I could help you. I'm sorry. I'll stop talking now. Not like you were listening anyway.
-
