American Rain (One shot)

"America, ano? Sasabay ka ba?" tanong sa akin ni Pepper habang busy sya nagliligpit ng working desk nya.


Malakas ang ulan. Nasa signal no. 3 na, pero nandito pa rin ang staff ng school paper naming The Pen para lang magmeeting. Bukas na kasi ang finalization ng mga articles na ipi-print namin tomorrow para maibigay na sa mga students the day after tomorrow.


Nagkatinginan kami ni Pepper, "No need.. May susundo sa akin, hintayin ko na lang." I lied. Walang susundo sa akin. Marami lang akong tatapusin bago ako umalis. 


"Mason will be here?" she asked, and I nodded. Pepper smiled as she cleaned her desk and finally walked out towards the door, leaving me behind.


Ang working desk ko eh malapit lang sa bintana kaya nakikita ko kung gaano kalakas ang ulan sa labas. Alam kong kelangan ko na ring umuwi pero may tatapusin pa ako.


Actually, wala naman talaga ito kinalaman sa article na isasama sa The Pen eh. May kelangan lang akong kuhain sa office na wala dapat nakakaalam. Ang mga letters na galing mismo sa mga estudyante at nanghihingi ng advice. I am the hidden Mickey ng Galileo Academy. 


The hidden Mickey ay isa sa mga ipinagtataka ng mga estudyante. It started 5 years ago when an anonymous student posted a poster all over the campus about giving advices. Nung una walang naniniwala sa kanya. Akala nila loko-loko lang. Ni-school administrators ay walang alam tungkol dito. But when a student tried to ask for an advice, it changed her life to a hundred eighty degrees. Lahat sumubok na, lahat naniwala na.


I knew that hidden Mickey before I became one. I became suspicious of her actions and until that one afternoon, I saw her unlocking the drawer where everyone slid their own envelopes for an advice. She caught me and I sworn that I will never tell to anybody about her secret. And that started our friendship. Well that girl who changed everyone's life asked me one day to take her place. I was speechless that one rainy evening, I nodded my head as a response and she gave me the key after that.


Her smile reached right up to her eyes so I smiled, "Uwi na tayo?" Binulsa ko yung susi sa pantalon ko at nginitian din sya,"1.. 2.. 3!" Patakbo kaming sumugod sa ulan habang unti-unti na rin kaming nababasa ng tubig. Nagkahiwalay na lang kami nang sasakay na kami ng kanya-kanya naming jeep.


At kinabukasan nun, hindi sya pumasok.


She killed herself the night she gave me the key.


I lost a friend 2 years ago.


Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang gagawin ko nun sa mga panahon na iyon. Wala na siguro akong ginawa kundi umiyak sa mga oras na yun. Malaki ang naging epekto sa akin ang pagkawala niya. She was a sister and a bestfriend. Parang sya na lang yung taong nandyan sa akin kasi my mom doesn't treat me as her daughter. Well, what can I say? I was adopted. Who would love an adopted child? My dad passed away five years after he adopted me.


The day after she killed herself, I went back to school early morning to open that drawer. Maraming mga sulat na nakalagay na dun pero iisa lang ang nakahuli ng pansin ko. A plain black envelope with my name on it written in a white ink. I shoved all the letters in my bag and hid myself to open the black letter.


As I rip the envelope open, hindi ko na naiwasang umiyak nang makita ko ulit ang pamilyar na sulat niya.


"Now this is stupid right? I give people advice while here I am, I can't take one. Ironic isn't it? Well, let me tell you one thing: MY LIFE WAS HELL, America. And I can't take it much longer. I know that we've gone 3 years together but those years weren't enough for me to tell you everything about me. I was about to but I was scared.. Scared that you'll force me to do things what you think is right. Scared that we'll fight and I'll lose you. Scared that everyone will know about me and judge me for who I am.


By the time you read this, I may be a cold, lifeless bitch who didn't trust you enough to tell you this.But this letter will explain you everything. Remember the day you caught me one afternoon opening the hidden Mickeys drawer? I think you still do. Frankly, I wasn't happy knowing that someone out there knows who I am. But you are the America Rickson, the school's perfect girl who ever walked on the earth. What can I do? Push you away and let you tell everyone my secret? Deny everything that it wasn't me while clearly, almost fifty letters were helplessly falling off from my hands?  NO! I cannot do that. So I let you. I told you that you should swear all you life that you won't tell anybody as long as I'll tell you everything about how and why I became the hidden Mickey.


All those stories I told you, those were all lies. What you know about me all these years were lies. I let you believed to something that I wasn't. I am not the perfect girl with perfect family and a perfect day. I was a girl who was worse than you are. I didn't want to be a Mickey to gain mystery and at the same time popularity. I chose to become one to acknowledge my existence. To feel loved by the people I help with. To feel that I'm worthy.


I need love, America. And no one seems to notice that.


But you came along one afternoon, with those horrible expression on your face as you looked at me in a complete surprise and everything, somehow, made me feel better.


You make everything better, America.


From the day that you told me about your life.. How your mom treated you. I even loved you more. I felt like we were the same, I felt that I wasn't alone. So I treated you as a best friend, and hell, I even loved you as if you are the only person that I have. Because in fact, you were the only one, America. You were the ONLY one.


I lied that  both of my parents love me. They don't.


When I was three, my dad left mom and I alone. When I was eleven, mom got a new boyfriend and chose him over me. Mom remarried when I was thirteen with his 29 year-old boyfriend, who is one hell of a fucking bastard who raped me every time my mom goes to work at night. He even threatened me that if I tell mom, he'll kill me. He'll kill mom. So I let him. I let his dirty bare hands touches my skin. I let him penetrate whatever he wants in me without any complain. I let him do whatever he wants with me.


I am disgusting, America.


I just want to rip my skin and burn it.


I can't take it anymore.


I would've killed myself before but I can't.


I was too weak back then.


But today.. It got worse.


I refused to let him touch me. I tried to fought back but.. He's just too strong for me to handle. I can't fight back with a broken rib and a dislocated shoulder. He hurt me, America. There was nothing I can do.


From all of the things that I've been through, I find this thing funny. I would've save my mom and myself from him but even if I do, no one will ever believe me. My fucking step-father was a police himself. I tried telling mom about it -- Well in some ways possible -- but she got mad instead. She says that I shouldn't tell her things like that.. That she shouldn't hear it from me again.


I was stupid, America.


But for once, I finally thought about doing something right.


And what's that you ask?


You're holding it right now. Reading it. Telling you everything about me in this piece of paper had made me smile.. Not just a weak smile, but the happy one. I'm happy that I met you, America. Believe me, I do. If only I were a boy, I will marry you. But of course, that will be silly. But seriously, I would.


As I wrote this letter, I had one bullet on my sweaty left hand, a gun sitting beautifully in front of me and my favorite pen on my right hand. Isn't this wonderful? I was happy doing this today, while when I was a kid, I'm too terrified even thinking about suicide?


Well for me, it is. It is wonderful. I smile as I write this letter to you, America.


But...


I am sorry.


I'm sorry not because I lied to you all these years. But because I was being unfair.


I know that and I'm really sorry.


But there's nothing I can do about it now. My life has reached it's limits so I'm putting an end to it now. 'God, I'm sorry if I'll be taking my life too early for You but I think I have gone a long way through, and I guess, this is enough for me. I'm too sick and tired about this all bullshits.. Oops, sorry about my words.'


America, I know that you will do well as the new hidden Mickey. Please don't do it just because of me. Do it because you enjoy doing it.


Oh look, my alarm went on.


It's time.


So I think this is good bye.


I love you. Forever and always,
XXX Andrea."






As I retrieve a letter from the drawer, I sighed.


Simula rin nang mawala si Andrea, nababawasan na rin ang mga letters. Aaminin ko na mas magaling si Andrea kesa sa akin, pero siguro nasa iba na ang atensyon ng ibang tao ngayon. Na kay Papa Jack na sila naka-tune in now and then habang ako, nandito na lamang sa likod ni Mickey at patuloy pa ring nagsusulat.Hindi naman mabigat ang loob ko na hindi na ganun kasikat si hidden Mickey noon, at least sa paraang ginagawa ko, may nag-papaalala pa rin sa akin kay Andrea.


I shoved the letter to my pocket and headed towards the lobby as I pulled out my umbrella from my bag. Malakas pa rin ang ulan at hindi ko alam kung kelan titila.  Binuksan ko na ang payong ko at patakbong sumulong sa ulan.