for him.

//the - symbol is meant to indicate pov changes btw//

xx

everything was wonderful. he was my best friend. my brother from another mother. my other half. yeah, sure, we got into fights. it actually happened a lot. we would take a couple days

to cool off. but the sad thing about this one, was it wasn't just days. because days turned to weeks. weeks turned to months. months turned to years.

i'm sitting in a coffee shop. the bell above the door rings. i glance up from my notebook for a split second to look. our eyes locked. like the days, these seconds turned to minutes. he broke it

first. ordered his coffee and left. everything inside me shattered. what was left of my happiness left with him. my hopes got too high. i really thought he would talk to me. but why would he

after what i'd done to him? after staring at the door for what seemed like forever, i got back to work writing. my mind was clouded with thoughts of him. i miss him. oh god, do i miss him.

it is now saturday. it's been three years since we last talked. two months since i last saw him. all i've been writing are things about him. every song i've heard reminded me of him. every

thought itself was him. i tried to ignore it. tried to write. called my mother to hear her stories. nothing. every thought was still him. and i'm not sure if it will ever change.

-

coffee shop. him. everything was a blur until i was outside. him. as soon as i left, every thought was of him. him. him. just him. everything about him used to and still does drive me crazy. i

couldn't keep doing this to myself. the thought of that night keeps replaying in my mind. one tear has fallen down my face. followed by another. more. dozens more. before i'm sitting next

to a building. i try so hard. i still mess up.

it is now saturday. four years since we've talked. fifteen months since i last saw him. he was still just as beautiful as i remembered. why didn't i try to talk to him? he obviously wasn't going

to try.

stop.

-

every single thought was of him. i lost his contact after switching phones three years ago. i really thought i'd find him again, apologize. that day had come. but it has also passed with not a

single word said. depressing, right?

-

him smiling. him writing. him reading. him laughing. him.

dad called earlier. dad left a voicemail. haven't listened to it yet. everything is in slow motion. i can't do anything. haven't eaten in three days. haven't slept in five. haven't showered in

seventeen. i'm a mess. yes i get it. but i can't get up. i can't move.

-

i try. i try to get over him. thinking turns into drinking. drinking turns into sickness. pretty soon i can't get out of bed. it's selfish. i know. i'm here compaining over a guy i haven't talked to

in five years. people are dying from cancer. people are dying from stavation. and here i am, dying from love.

-

it was on the news. nothing much happens in this town. as soon as something happens, reporters already know the whole story.

he was on his bed when they found him. yard was a mess. living room was a mess. house was a mess. he was a mess. they say it was alchohol poisoning. too much drinking. killed himself.

wonder why.

it was thursday. three days since i told him. three days since i've talked to him. three days he's hated me. three days since he hit me. last time that happened, i told him his dog ran away. six

years ago. i didn't think what i told him was bad news. sure, i was nervous. but not unhappy. i was overjoyed when i saw him everyday. he made my heart skip a beat. everything he did.

everything he said. just everything

is what i fell in love with.

-

ps i'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. i'm sorry it took me so long to realize. i'm sorry i hit you. i'm sorry you're the last thing i wrote about. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm

sorry. i'm sorry. but what i'm most sorry for is what i'm about to do. but there's one last thing i want to say

i have and always will

love you.