Too Scared to Take the Fall

Too Stupid to Know the Fear

A/N: So after I finished Too Scared to Take the Fall, I realized that I could actually expand on that. It wasn't everything yet, and so here's the continuation of the first chapter!

This one's dedicated to vanillakate, for being such a wonderful person. <3

Every once in a while, I would pretend that I'm actually in love with someone. I try my hardest to fall for someone, and though the most I can get is only a little crush, I like to pretend that it's love. Well, not really. I know that there is a huge different between a crush and someone you love, but I like to pretend that I might fall in love with that person that I have a crush on.

But it's all fake, and I know that. I'm not stupid enough to even consider that it's real, mostly because I know that if it was real, I'd be too afraid to actually fall. I'd stop right then and there. So that's why I pretend, to get a taste of what love could feel like. I learn from the stories my friends tell me, and I feel the emotion through other people. And when I think I know enough about it, I pretend to feel it.

I imagine being in love from time to time. I close my eyes and pretend that I'm in love with the guy that everyone thinks should be with me. In my head, the people teasing us are more than just teasing. There is more to our relationship in my head. But when I open my eyes, I know that it's not real. I'm not even in love with him. I don't even have a crush on him, dammit. 

No matter how hard I try, and how much I want to, I just can't see to feel anything for him. Or for anyone else, for that matter. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not yet in love with my guy best friend, as most girls usually fall for their guy best friends. But I just can't seem to fall for him, not when I know that there will never be a chance for him to catch me when I fall. And besides, it's not like I can imagine a future with him.

You see, here's the thing. I'm so conflicted. About everything. There are times when I want to actually fall in love, but during other times, I just... I don't even want to think about it. I'm too scared to look into a future where love would be something that I would have to feel. I don't think that I'll ever be ready to be in love.

But instead of sitting here and pondering about what the future might hold, I figured that I kind of have something better to do than that. My options were either to sit around, or to prepare myself for that scary and dangerous fall that I will be taking someday. Of course, I'm smart enough to know that the second option is the best choice. And that's the option that I decided to go with.

Pretending isn't the only thing I do. I also observe. I watch. Whatever happens around me, I take note. I scratch my head and wonder how falling in love works as I watch two of my best friends hold hands and lean on each other. I tell them just how adorable they look, and how much I ship them. But deep down, I know that I'm just merely observing with curiosity, never understanding but never bothering to figure it all out.

It's all just so weird, So freaking confusing. I don't get it. I don't get anything. Even if someone falls for me, I don't even know if I can catch him. The thing about falling in love isn't just that I'm scared about it. No, it's more than that. You see, I don't understand it. And things that I don't understand scare me more than things that I know I should fear.

A/N: Yeah, this one probably makes no sense. Oops? So anyway, I've decided to make this a continuiting drabble, which means that it'll someone form a real story in the end. Here's the second chapter, I hope you enjoyed it!