A Life Of Pretending

One Late Night

Dan sighed out loud and cracked his knuckles as he stared at the screen of his MacBook. He wasn't nearly done editing the video but watching himself was just completely exhausting. It seemed so muh easier for Phil. It was about 2 in the morning but it still felt early so he wandered to his piano and softly played a few notes with one hand, his other rested on his lips in concentration. He hiked up his trousers slightly before sitting down and played a few more notes. His breath came out calm enough but his heart hammered in his chest and his stomach felt sick. It was literally how he felt every night when he was alone to his thoughts. He started to get into a song, letting his head hang as the his fingers moved effortlessly amoung the keys.

"Dan?" Came a voice he knew all too well. He stopped playing and looked up to his door way where Phil stood awkwardly.

"Sorry, were you sleeping?" He said sheepishly. Phil shook his head, he looked slightly sad but just as exhausted as Dan felt.

"I was just reading a bit," he murmured. Phil kept in the doorway and a silence hung heavy between them. Dan gave a soft lope sided grin and played a few notes with his right hand still keeping his gaze on Phil. He smiled back at him. Dan always loved how Phil's eyes lit up. His smiles were always genuine. Always making his eyes crinkle in the corners.

"Well come in then," Dan chuckled. Phil's smile faded and he let himself in, collapsing on Dan's bed. Dan turned back to his piano and let the music fill the silence between them. He itched with an urge to turn around and look at Phil but he couldn't handle it. Not right now. He sighed again, hoping the music would cover his dismay. However, when he heard Phil whisper his name again he figured it must have been impossible Phil had missed it. He turned around and raised his eyebrows at him, removing his fingers from the keys and clenching the back of the chair.

Phil looked around nervously, suddenly unsure of himself. "Well, what is it?" Dan chuckled. His smiles weren't as genuine, unfortunately. Phil sat with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes fixed onto them as he fiddled with his thumbs. Dan sighed and stood up. He collapsed next to him laying his head down. He stared into the ceiling for a few minutes.

"Dan?" Phil whispered again. "Can I...Would it be okay...if I..." he cleared his throat. "Kissed you?" He murmured the last words but Dan heard all too clearly and sat straight up so his face was even with Phil's. His heart hammered in his chest so hard he wondered if Phil could hear it. It made his whole body tremble slightly. He should know. He shouldn't have to ask those kinds of things. Never. But then again he always does anyway. His eyes widen, as he stared at Phil. His head hung slightly and his bright eyes peering up from beneath his black curtain of hair. Dan felt his fingers graze the back of Phil's head, trailing down to cup his neck and Phil looked up sheepishly.

"What a stupid question," Dan murmured and laced his fingers behind Phil's head. Phil looked up at him, his eyes full of... well everything. Questions, wonder, lust, admiration. Whoever said eyes were the windows to the soul were right. At least on Phil's behalf.

He closed his eyes and pressed his lips full into his and Phil's hands were instantly at his waist his fingers eagerly gripping at his dark t-shirt. Dan let out a small moan. God, he smelled so good. He obviously had used that girly wash today. He broke away and placed his cheek against his, Phil's labored breath in his ear. His skin was so damn soft, he couldn't handle it. Phil tightened his grip on his shirt and Dan trailed kisses down his jaw back to his lips.

It was so exhausting making videos with him so close and yet so far away. Always having to be careful where to touch, what to say, even where to look and how to look at him. All he wanted to do was to be able to kiss him, feel his body pressed up against his like this whenever he wanted. Phil trembled slightly under his fingers and he broke away to look at his face. The redness creeping under his pale skin, all across his face to the tips of his ears. He was so cute, and he recalled the first time he saw him. The loudness of the people around them bled together and was just a gently hum in the background. Phil stood so awkward and nervous like Dan felt. But he was so good at faking his confidence now.

His fingers moved to swipe at Phil's fringe so he could look into his eyes, but his touch only made Phil close his eyes and that just made him want to kiss him again.

Not too much. He reminded himself. He stood up quickly and shook himself, jumping up and down. "What are you, an idiot?" He said aloud.

"What?" Phil answered in a whisper.

"No, nothing," Dan said quickly and rubbed the back of his neck. "I was just talking to myself," he laughed nervously. "I think we should go to bed for the night. I am literally exhausted."

"Okay," Phil breathed and pouted his lip in disappointed. "I'll just go..." he brushed past him and lingered at the door. "Night Dan..." he whispered and the silence at the end was something unspoken Dan knew all to well.

He wanted to say, "stay with me tonight". He wanted to say, "I love you." But instead he said, "Night." And Phil disappeared into the hallway.

He turned out the light and threw himself into his bed in frustration. He wanted so badly for sleep to over take him but images danced in his head. Phil's smile. Phil's laugh. Phil's eyes. Phil's lips. Phil. Phil. Phil. His stomach knotted, and he grimaced with each new image. Why couldn't he just wrap his arms around him as he drifted to sleep? The heart ache that plagued his body eventually became his dreams and his body crunched inward into the fetal position.

On to the next day of pretending.