Letters to no one in particular.

Apology Letters to Your Everyday, Typical Stranger

December 9, 2015
12:45 PM

Dear Nobody,

We haven't spoken in a really long time. I'm sorry about that; I was selfish. I felt like I had the power to keep our love in the sun or hide it whenever, as if it was some beast I was ashamed of and wanted to control. That wasn't fair of me. You were never mine to keep from her and she was never any of my business to insult. I was jealous of her. I, still, am jealous of her; she's the one who got to keep you in the long run. You see, I was broken, back then. I felt that all of my hurt inside would somehow make you less you, somehow, when I(you) was(were) finished with you(me). You'd always been too good for me and I could never forgive myself bring your spirit down because of my own ailments; even though you wouldn't have minded that if it would've made my life a little easier. Like I said, you were just genuinely good in that way.Once you really told me how you felt about me, I got scared for that reason alone; to hurt you. Ironic because to avoid hurting you, I avoided you like the plague and hurt you anyway. Sometimes I wonder was it all really worth it. Now, two years later, I miss you everyday. Im, for the most part, not very emotionally involved, but I am not afraid to admit that I cry about you alot. I miss everything about us and our relationship. I miss your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your facial expressions, your mouth, your smell, your touch, and your company. No matter how enormously cliche that may sound, it's true. Everything about your that used to bug me, makes me feel like the world is not so scary of a place after all. You were my everything, back then, and I was too thick headed to every notice it. Who would've guessed that two crushing kids would make such a bond like we had? Or at least what I had with you. I wonder - I wonder if you ever miss me and my jokes. Do you ever miss the way I always make wishes on my lost eyelashes, or the way my world could be falling apart, and I'd still get up the courage to fake confidence? Damn, I used to think anything was possible back then. Do you ever get a little nostalgic every time you hear Harry Styles name? Do you ever dream about me? About us being friends again? If I would've asked you these things just three years ago, you would've said yes, - no problem - but now things are different. We (if you can even call us that now) are different. Like I said, you were my best friend and, believe it or not, I really, really loved you. I loved you incredibly. It didn't even matter if you felt the same way back because you, simply, being around my pessimism for so long was enough for me. Again, I'm sorry; I don't think I can say it enough. I fucked up. I'd always be moody and take out all of my frustrations on you. Probably because I could and probably because you'd let me get away with it. Sometimes I did, truly, think you couldve loved me back; I even talked to God about it. I still to God about it - that's the scary part - that I might never get the closure I need to let you go and God won't get a break from my constant bitching about a middle school crush gone wayward. I want to find a way to let you know all of this, so I'm writing this letter that you'll never get. I'm letting you in, finally, I'm letting you know how fucked up my demons can be and how I've gotten help. I'm happier now, healthier and I really know you'd be proud of the New Me. I, at least, really I hope you get a chance to know and be proud of the new me. I think, in a perfect world that if I say hi to you, just once, that you'd say it back. I miss you talking to me. I miss you with every part of me for so many reasons. Because I'm in love with you now, two years later, a little bit in every way possible. Platonically, or otherwise. Hell, I'll love you in whatever way you'd take me back. I miss you because my grandma died last month, and you knew how much she meant to me. Because no one seems to know me, still, like you knew me; I could never bullshit you (and I can be quite the charmer). My favorite memories of you are when I'd be leaving and you'd whisper little affections to me. Ï think I really love you.¨, you'd say. Whenever Id ask you about them, you just shrugged and denied it, but I knew what I heard and I wish I had the courage to say them back to you then. I guess I never really thought anyone could feel that sort of way about me. Why would anyone love someone like me? Why did you love me? My least favorite memory of you is the first time you made me cry, and I did it for hours. We were talking about her and I asked you something stupid; I shouldn't have. You said that you were ¨Over Us¨ or something and I felt like my throat closed. You know, that devastating sort of crying where it happens so fast and hit you so hard that you never even saw it coming? Yeah, I did that. I shut down and I shut you out. i'm sorry. You see, I never really had anyone stand by me like you did. In that moment, I thought you being over me meant that you were over my bullshit mood swings and my depression and my accidentally stringing you on with no remorse. I thought you didn't care about me, even after all the things you did over the years to prove otherwise. That was so fucking stupid, and I'm sorry. That was a bit overdramatic, but it seemed to make sense to me at the time. Reflecting now, that was probably what I deserved to have you feel. To have you finally see me as the piece of shit that I felt I was. That was silly. You never had any problems with anyone, especially me. You even watched me put you on the side and fall in love with two other guys. I just can't imagine what that could've been like for you at the time. I always talked about my other relationships and how you did not understand real love Now, I wonder if you had actually been in "real" love with me all along. I'm sorry if you were and I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't even want to give you a chance to entertain, let alone fall in love with, another girl; I was unbelievable. I really took you for granted. All I can say is sorry. Is it too late, now, to say sorry? Am I too late? Can we say hi to each other in the halls? Can we text? Can I know how you've been, at least? Can I, please, have a hug? I hope I didn't hurt you too much, but I also hope you weren't happy to see me go. I hope I don't sound completely crazy to you. I always hope that you find happiness in life; you were a really important person for me in some very hard times in my growing up. I can't move on from you unless I know; I need closure. The other day, we looked at each other as if two years of bullshit never happened. I hoped, so much, that you felt everything around us melt for a few seconds, because I damn sure did. It could've been a figment of my imagination, or a sign from the universe. Either way, it made sure to hit me like a train. You know, Ive never done too well at conclusions, but I hope that my stating it will be enough. I still believe that, somewhere, in time, we are meant to be together again; maybe without so much complications. I cant wait to find out.

Lovingly,
A familiar stranger