Fate & Cupid's Guide: How NOT To Write A Love Story

Today was like any other day for young Alabama Suchimi. She was going to start in a new job working as a secretary for the CEO of the biggest marketing company in the small town of No One Fucking Cares, Indiana. She didn’t know what to expect or how he would look like but she had been doing a lot of research in Wattpad lately and all the stories pointed her to this known fact: CEO’s of companies are young, hot and have emotional problems. Yes! She was so happy because she would finally find the man of her dreams. 

Who am I? I am Fate, a spectator to this pathetic little story Alabama wished to call her life. Of course, life only starts to be relevant when there is a guy in the picture to keep the readers interested so I hope, for both of our sakes, yours and mine, that Alabama finds one soon. She got off her tiny little twin bed and walked all the way down the very unusually located stares in the middle of nowhere to make herself some coffee. She then showered and decided to dress as professional as she could. She decided on wearing a harlot red mini skirt, a cream color see through shirt with a red bra underneath, and red pumps, against my advise. That makes total sense, don’t listen to the voice of wisdom! You will look soooooo classy. 

“Yes this will do.” she said to herself. 

She did her makeup and was off to work. As she walked down the street she could feel someone was staring at her. She looked back and there was this men following her around. ‘Okay, Nothing out of the ordinary.’ she thought and continued walking. WTF Alabama. you don’t think that is creepy?... again no answer. She kept walking and suddenly froze. What now? At the sight of the big building she started to shake. No Alabama, look to your right, someone is shaking you. ‘Oh’ she said realizing I was right. There was this weird guy there.

"Hello there," he said in his awesomely alluring voice. "My impressive and totally not creepy stalking abilities tell me you are my father's new whore of a secretary. Alabama right?" He asked beautifully. She know him from somewhere. Oh yeah. I know where you know him from. He is your stalker! Then she realizes he was the one following her before.

"Yes." She responded like an idiot because he was just so damn good looking she couldn't even tight her shoes in front of him and nether the less form a coherent sentence. How was this possible. You wen't to Stanford for god's sake! Think women. Oh I mean.. Shit. For fuck's sake. She suddenly felt this unexplainable urge to just start cursing out of nowhere. "Shit,  Fuck, Cunt, Cucksucker, Motherfucker, and tits" ‘Uff.. thank god that was out.’ she thought. Are you crazy women??? That was so not lady like! No guy likes a potty mouth. 

"Wow." He said impressed. “I can’t believe you like George Carlin too!” Omg! Of course... This was just great. She gets the only guy around here who likes cursing. These two are so stupid they are just meant for each other. 

Her new boss’s son was so hot, because god forbid that one day when we go out into the real world we encounter ourselves being interested in a short, chubby, not that attractive guy right? Who could stand that travesty? He had blue eyes and black hair like every other guy within a ten mile radius. ‘He was just so unique.’ She though.  

She suddenly felt this urge to know every little single detail about him. Yes... She was a stalker even though she denies it. But well, so was he. ‘I wasn't a psycho stalker or anything like that... No.’ No... Never! "Tell me everything about yourself.."

He looked into her really small and squinty eyes and said, "Well, I started my own company when I was two years old. I have always been a gifted child. Didn't even have to go to college." he said and suddenly his face became sad. "And I miss my mother."  Alabama suddenly got jealous. ‘What does he mean he misses his mother, he is mine.’ She thought.  Dude it’s his mother. Get over yourself. 

"What happened to your mother?" She asked concerned. 

"Oh no she is back at home but I just felt like putting that out there." Um.. Okay. This guy was more stupid than I though. These two were meant to be. 

He looked into her eyes. Well not really. She thinks he was trying to but I could see he was really looking at her boobs. She decides to shake them a little for him, as he said out of nowhere, "You don't understand. I just have so many feelings." What the Fuck is happening here? 

I couldn't believe this. Please get me out of here. ‘He was opening up to me. His father’s secretary. Why would he do that. This had to be a professional relationship.’  She though. Well you are the one being a whore all around him. 

She took his hand and placed it on her chest. Really? Her heart started pounding. ‘Why did his hand on my boob make me feel this way?’ she wondered. Oh for Fuck’s sake its your hormones women. Calm your tits. ‘It is not my hormones.’ she responded. Oh no. Never. "I can totally fix you." She said as she started sobbing because this was all too darn sad.

Him and her in the middle of this big city trying to get into the big building. It was all too much. Oh Come on! They started to cry together and everyone around them started staring. Hey Alabama, Can you take your lame excuse of a boyfriend inside. He needs to get to work. I tried but she was fixated in only one word. ‘Boyfriend? Really? I can't believe I'm dating my boss’s son now.’ she thought. You are not dating him! You just met!

 "I think we should go inside. There are paparazzi everywhere these days" She looked around and didn't notice any cameras. I looked around myself to make sure. There were no paparazzi to be found. This kid was so full of himself. 

"You are right lets go have some sex in your father’s office. Sir." ‘Yes this would be strictly professional.’ Are you out of your mind? Geez. 

"Wait I didn't get your name…" She brought up later in what she though was a casual manner. Mind you she was almost about to throw herself at him when she asked this. So casual and classy Alabama. You go girl. 

"I'm Christian Edward Philip William Blue." ‘That was such a beautiful name. I loved this man.’ Such a long name! Was it really necessary? Where his parents high when they named him? I started to laugh. He must have been teased when young. That made me feel so much better. 

"I love you." She whispered softly and loudly into his ear. Woaa What! Alabama what happened to strictly professional? 

"But you just met me." he responded simply. Finally someone with some sense around here.  ‘God I loved him.‘ she thought. I wanted to bitch slap her. 

Help me please! Take pity of me and like this story so I won’t have to deal with Alabama anymore. Cupid told me when I got 30 votes I could update again! She is just too stupid for me... Pleasee. I can feel my neurons slowly dying.  

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