Forever Lost

I listened as the front gate slammed and bounced three times against the lock. The metal jingled and stilled, while the wind howled through the quiet trees. I sat there silently in the lounge room, where the news was given to me. I was unable to move, the words rushing through my mind. I couldn’t tell what had happened, the thoughts weren't registering.

He’s gone…

It can't be true. No! I will not believe it.

Forever lost...

Why? Why would this happen? He can't be gone! I never had the chance to say good bye!

Well, it’s too late for goodbyes now.

“NO!” I shouted at the words in my mind. “NO! No, no, no, no, no… no…”

Tears fell down my face. How could he be gone? He was supposed to live forever, live with me forever. Why did there have to be an accident?

I should have taken him to lunch when I’d had the idea. I should have kissed him all those times he walked past and then a thousand times more. I should have said “I love you” every time I said “goodbye”.

I should have forgiven him after all those stupid mistakes. I shouldn’t have been so angry after he said he was sorry, I should have smiled and said “thank you”. I should have given into his beautiful eye.

I should have savoured every minute I was able to look into his eyes. I should have seen all he was. I should have never have taken him for granted. I should have told him he was perfect.

I should have let him take that day off work, let him stay at home with me, instead of worrying about money. How would money help us now? I should have hugged him all night, instead of letting him sleep on the lounge.

All those moments were wasted. Wasted, but all I have left. I closed my eyes and searched for the moments where I had cursed myself for not cleaning the kitchen, but going to dinner with him. I looked for the times I had burnt the washing with the iron, because I'd been kissing him instead of paying attention.  I searched for the moments where everything was perfect, in the most imperfect way. I thought of those times I had cursed at him for disturbing me, for taking away my “me” time, wishing I had let him steal it forever.

“WHY!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. It echoed through the house making the windows shake and books fall over. Then the eerie silence overcame the house, to remind me I was truly alone. “Why didn’t I know? I should have known…”

Was there a sign? Where was the sign? Where was the moment I should have noticed? WHERE!? Why didn’t anyone tell me? What reason was there to take his life away from me? What did I do wrong? We were still so young and foolish. We were indestructible.

We were indestructible…