Life In Your Eyes

Just Another Fake Smile

***A/N: TRIGGER WARNING. CONTAINS ABUSE. And also, this is before they write "From The Start".***

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Music was my escape from reality. After everything I ever went through, music was the only thing that has yet to leave me. As I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, I wonder what I could've possibly done to deserve half of the crap I got from my mother. Not to sound like a whiny bitch, or so I was called. Not even trying to go for a conceited look. In all seriousness, I know I never had perfect grades, I never started fights. I was always in them, but for reasons that I probably will never fully comprehend. I was always smaller than everyone. I wasn't the prettiest girl in high school. Close spaces and loud voices drive me to the brink of panic attacks or insanity. At least that's how it feels to me. It feels like I'm going insane.

My bedroom door was ripped open and my mother was looking furious. She grabbed my hair and yanked me off of my bed. I winced from the sharp sting of a slap across my face.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You and that thing you call a band. That shit you think you call music is not going to get you anywhere in life. Why couldn't you stay in school like your brother?" Her breath reeked of alcohol. With one swift move she sent me tumbling to the floor before kicking me in the ribs. Crack. What's another broken rib? It's just a tiny notch compared to the hate I get from my own family. The only member of my family who was supportive was my sister Brooke. She was the drummer of our band, Another Tragic Case and she sang back up for me. As I curled into the fetal position, my mother stumbled out of the room. Once I knew she was gone, I managed to grab my phone and call my best friend Jenn. She knew everything. See, Brooke lived with our aunt. She knew my mom was abusive. Before my mother could take her anger out on Brooke, I made sure she left the house. I on the other hand, I had to stay back and make sure my mother took care of herself when she wasn't high or drunk. When she would be passed out, I'd cook and clean so she wouldn't have to.

Tomorrow morning it would be my chance to get out of this hell hole I have to call a 'home'. Actually, I didn't really have a home. At least, I didn't really have anything close to a home. My mother was yet again passed out. It was perfect timing too seeing as Jenn had just pulled up. I crabbed my Glamour Kills bomber jacket and my keys. Jenn had me at the door and helped me down to her car. Earlier that day, the rest of my band had picked up everything I needed for tour so we could get an extra hour of sleep, versus load up the van in the morning before we leave.

"What happened this time?" Jenn asked as she kept her focus on the road.

I bit my lip, holding back tears. "She grabbed me, said some shit about how my band won't get me anywhere before throwing me to the ground and kicking me."

Once I was discharged from the hospital, Jenn and I went back to her place so the guys could pick us up for lunch. When the our pedo van pulled up, everyone jumped out and raced to me.

"Are you okay?" My sister asked me, concern covering her face. I nodded and headed for the van. I sat in the very back of the van away from everyone.

I wasn't too hungry, nowadays, I hardly ever was hungry. I knew I should eat something seeming as how the doctor gave me pain killers. It was just, I didn't have the motivation to do eat. Phrases such as "You're fat", "you're a stupid fat whale", "you're a fatass no one wants to be with" repeated time after time in my head. It haunted me. Just as I thought I could escape the thoughts in my mind, I caught a glimpse of the marks I had left on my arms that peaked through my bracelets. I sighed as I adjusted the bracelets on my arm. Jayce, the bassist of the band pulled up to Chili's. Our last meal that wouldn't be "fast food". Everyone piled out of the van and headed for the entrance. I was the last one through the door and stood by Jeremy. He was always like my older brother. Well, at times. I always acted older than him. Maturity. Guys have it. Sometimes. Other times, they could be nineteen going on nine.

We were seated quickly. Our table sat in the corner next to a window. I sat on the edge, next to the aisle while Jeremy sat in the middle of Jenn and I. Jayce, Kevin and Brooke sat across from us. As I stared blankly at the menu, I felt eyes burning a hole in my head. I looked up to see everyone staring at me.

"Brit, we need to talk. This isn't healthy." Jayce was the first to speak up.

"Yeah, it's like everyday we see you, you have some new bruise or injury. You need to get help." Kevin added, he started playing with the straw in his drink. "Then there's the other stuff... When was the last time you ate a full meal? Without purging?" I looked down and sighed in defeat.

They knew me all too well. "The last time I ate a full meal was last night at dinner. Honest. I didn't eat much this morning because I was packing and making sure I had everything then that happened. I had a small bag of crackers the nurse gave me when I had the first dose of pain killers."

"Well, I'm proud of you for telling the truth." Jeremy gave me a small hug. The rest of the band and Jenn all agreed. "You look a lot better. You don't look as sick."

"I still feel fat." I mumbled, thankfully no one could hear it over all the voices of the rest of the customers in the area. We ordered our lunch and it was carried out quite fast compared to how it normally would've been. Once we were finished, we all put in for our meal and split the tip evenly. Before we could head to the van, I excused myself to the bathroom. No one thought of it, since I had claimed to have gotten better.

I walked into the restroom to see skinny women lined up like soldiers in front of the mirror. All applying their faces. I tried to shake the thought of purging out of my head, but to no avail, I found myself in the same position. After finishing, I cleaned up and walked out to the van where everyone sat. They had their guitars out and were strumming a few chords for around five fans.

"Hey guys..." I threw on my signature fake smile and stepped over to the group. "Why don't we head over to the park across the street? The manager didn't seem to happy when we walked in. So meet us there and we'll do a few songs for you." They all agreed and the band got in the van and went to the park. After a few songs, we took pictures with all the fans that asked and signed everything they handed us. I couldn't wait for tour.