I struggled with the thought of life after him.
I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. Nothing good was ever going to come out of the toxic love we shared, though it was so raw and passionate and beautiful.
It was borderline obsessive. The way we lived and the things we did and the secrets we shared was unhealthy but I was so in love and so obsessed with everything he was about that I was okay with the destruction it would bring.
I knew what was happening from the start. The stuff I was getting involved in wasn't good. The drugs, the alcohol the sex. That's what we were about though, and I loved every single minute.
I was too focused on our love that I didn't notice the destruction that we were causing each other. I knew I needed to leave, I knew I did, and I kept saying
"One more fight and i'm done, one more fight and its over" I said it so many times, every single fight or argument we shared I would say it. Although not once did I follow through.
We would kiss and tell each other how much we loved each other, how much we cared.
Our love was based off of the raw and intimate side of relationships. We would always be touching and holding each other as though afraid the other would leave. We both knew that that time would come, that one of us would not put up with the others shit for much longer. But we both refused. "Babe, stay, stay"
We couldn't bare for the other to be sad. When ever the other would show any other emotion or feeling other than love, the other would feel it. When he was in pain, I was. When he was sad, I was sad. It was this endless cycle of unforgiving love, but it was a beautiful endless cycle of unforgiving love that I wouldn't change for the world.
Where ever he went, I went. We would often go on adventures together. To the most random places that were often in the middle of nowhere but each and every one of those places held memories. Beautiful, beautiful memories.
We would make love as a way to express our feelings. It was a way to pass time and a way to forget about the inevitability of one of us leaving. The drugs and alcohol helped too. Forgetting was what saved us, it's what kept us sane. It would only last so long though.
The love we shared was rare. It was rare and beautiful and unforgiving and toxic and it was deathly on many occasions. But there is not a single thing that I would change. There is not one person in this universe that I will ever love the same way as I did to him. But I wouldn't change that, I would rather keep the memories and feel the sadness of it ending then redo those memories with another. The reason that they are so beautiful was because it was with him, and with him we were created. This beautiful toxic mess of unforgiving love was created and for that I am forever grateful.
But it was inevitable from the beginning.
