The Girl : A Selection Fanfic

Chapter 7

After The Report, I went back up to my room and told my maid that I would undress myself later, but that I just wanted some fresh air for a little while. It took some time to convince her but she finally left, and I was able to feel at peace for the first time in a little while. I opened my balcony doors and stepped out into the coolness of the night, feeling like it was the first time I could finally breath since I got here.
I watched the way the stars twinkled and lit up the night, wondering how something that seemed so small, something we took for granted every day, could do something as big as light up the entire night sky. I wondered if I would ever be able to live up to the expectations and importance that comes with being a queen if I was chosen. I seriously doubted it.

"Hey." I jumped, startled by Devon's sudden appearance.

"Geez! You about gave me a heart attack." I put my hand to my chest, trying to stop my racing heart.

"You're too young to have a heart attack. Stop trying to make me feel bad." I moved over so he could stand out there with me. I made a mock pouty face.

"But that's the only fun I ever get around here! You just want me to suffer!" I whined this, my lip stick out in pouting position. He laughed a maniacal laugh as he stepped towards me.

"I will never proclaim my ulterior motives to anyone, let alone a mere subject such as you!" He put on an evil smile, leaned towards me, and wiggled his eyebrows. I glared at him successfully for a whole 5 seconds, then we both cracked and burst out laughing, breaking the silence. When I finally calmed down, I leaned against the railing and started back out at the beautiful night. I could feel Devon's gaze on me and it distracted me.

"What are you thinking about?"  He seemed so curious, I just didn't understand why. I didn't see what it could be about me that would intrigue the prince.

"Nothing really, " I say. Devon pleads with his eyes for me to tell him and, after a second, I roll my eyes and sigh.

"I was just admiring the night, the stars, the world pretty much, for being so complex and important. I was just thinking of how lucky I am to be apart of a wonderful and beautiful place that's so unpredictable and fascinating." I looked out at the sky as I said this, and when I finished I turned back and found the prince with a wide smile and huge eyes that stared at me with wonder.

"What?"I blushed and ducked my head, his gaze becoming almost too intense. 

"The way you look at the world and see things, it's so different from anyone I've ever known. The way you speak about these things and understand them, its so much wiser than I thought anyone, lest a 17 year old girl, could be." I looked up at him from the position I was in, then blushed when his gaze held mine and locked it into place, enabling me from looking away.

"Blake," Devon said, leaning closer without me even realizing it. We were so close I could feel his breath on my lips.  He questioned me with his eyes, and I realized what he was asking, then asked myself if I wanted it too. Of course, I thought. Why wouldn't I? I closed my eyes and started to lean forward, then, just as our lips were about to meet, I quickly pulled back and put my finger to his puckered lips. 

"No." He opened his eyes, startled by my statement, looking a little bit hurt.
He pulled my finger off his lip and asked,

"What do you mean?" I bit my lip.

"I mean, no. No I can't kiss you." He furrowed his eyebrows, seeming confused.

"Why?"

"Because, even though I like you, I don't know entirely if I love you yet, I only just met you. And you don't know me. All you know is that I'm the first girl you met, and that I seem special because of that. You've spent all your time with me, but you never stopped to think, what if I'm not the one?" He shook his head.

" I haven't spent all my time with you. I've been having dates all week, getting to know most of the other girls. None of them are like you." I wanted to believe him, I really did, but I just couldn't. I just couldn't let myself be able to get hurt.

"And that's the other thing. How am I supposed to have to let myself love you, when I know you could be saying the same things to me as you did the other girls? Could be doing the same things?" I looked at him.

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid of opening myself up for the first time, and getting hurt. I'm afraid of giving out my heart to you, when you might just end up breaking it." I said all of this as I took his hands and placed them on my heart.

"I've never fallen in love before. I don't know what to do, or how to deal with the worry that I might not be good enough, that this, my heart, might break, and I won't know how to come back from that." I was almost in tears by now. "So, I'm sorry, but no. Don't kiss me tonight, when tomorrow you might be kissing the girl next door. Don't say you love me when you haven't even let yourself even try to get to know the other girls. I'm not only doing this for myself, but also for you, because this is a big decision, and I want to make sure that if you say, 'I love you', to me, you actually know for sure that I'm the one. I want to love you so bad, but I can't let myself until I know you know that for sure I'm the one. So no, don't kiss me."

               Tears were streaming down my face by that point, and he took both of his hands from my chest and wiped the tears away. Then he pulled me in for an embrace, my head on his shoulder and his head on mine, and he just held me that way for a few moments. After a little while of silence and comfort, he pulled back, his hands on my shoulders still, and smiled a small smile at me.

"Don't worry, I'll figure things out soon enough." I nodded.

"Oh, and, just for the record, I'm not planning on kissing any girls tomorrow night, or even the day after. Not until it's right, not until I'm sure I actually like that girl." I smile, and he pulls away, walking towards the door. He was about to open it when he turned back around to me, realization in his eyes. I was confused. He pulled his hand off the doorknob.

"No." He said this looking at me, shaking his head slightly, taking me aback.

"What?"

"No, I'm not leaving." He took a step forward, and I had a feeling in my gut that told me this wasn't good for me.

"I'm not sure," he went on. "I'm not sure about a lot of things, like how to fall in love or how to choose a wife out of 35 amazing women in a short amount of time and I sure as hell don't know each night when I fall asleep if I'm going to wake up the next morning but I am sure of this." He was really close now, to where he could reach out and touch me with no effort.

"I'm sure that I get this feeling around you, like my world is somehow brighter, and that when you speak to me I actually want to know wha you're saying, like whatever it might be is life or death." He was only a foot away now.

"And I'm not sure if that means I'm in love, or if it's just teenage hormones, but I am sure of this," he was so, so close to me now, only an inch or to away.

"Stop," I pleaded, begging him not to do this. "Please, Devon, don't-"

He covered my mouth with his hand, interrupting my pleas.

"No, no I won't stop because, of all the wrong things I've done tonight, yesterday, and will do tomorrow, this is the one I'm the most sure of." And then he took his hand from my mouth, placing it and his other one on my cheek, and he brushed his lips against mine. It felt like the most amazing and real thing I've ever felt. I closed my eyes for a millisecond, wanting it so bad, but then I pushed him back.

"No, I-- I can't Devon, I can't." My voice broke, and he nodded, taking his hands off my cheeks. He stared into my eyes and said,

"I know. I know you can't, not yet at least. But I promise that I won't stop trying. I will try with the other girls too, but I will eliminate the ones I don't see a future with. And I want you to try and keep your heart open, because you'll never know if I'm the one if you lock yourself away from me." He strode towards my door and opened it, starting to step out into the hallway.
Then he turned back to me before he left and said,

"Goodnight, Blakey." 

Once he was gone, I sat on my bed and put my fingers to my lips, wondering what trouble I just got myself in. And in the silence of the night, right before I fell into a heavy sleep, I whispered,

"Goodnight Devy."