I am not crazy.

"I am not crazy.
No matter how many times I tell that to my host-family, they do not seem to believe me. But, I am not. I swear. All the things I did to Calvin was just out of love. Because, yeah, I love Calvin. His touch, his words, his looks. Him. I am completely in love with him. So much it hurts. And seeing him with this.. I just could not watch him waste his time with Derek without doing something. I know Calvin loves me too. Why would he have given me his virginity otherwise ? He loves me, and only me. Not Derek. This is why I tried, and tried and tried again to make him realise his mistake. To make him realise that I am his true love. I know I am. Calvin est mon âme-sœur. And he will always be.
So, I am not crazy."

My therapist just watched me, without saying anything.
"What ? You are supposed to say something now. I do not want, and I do not need to be here. So, if we could finish this quickly, it would be good." I finally said, annoyed by his silence.
"Nicolas, you do realise you tried to.." He paused, like he was not sure how to express himself. Mon Dieu, he was the worst. I sighed.
"You mean, commit a suicide ? Yeah, but it was.. How do you say it again ? Oh, right. It was in the heat of the moment. The only thing I promised myself not to do at all cost was to not hurt Calvin." I averted my eyes, suddenly ashamed. "And when I saw those bruises that I made to him.. I just.. lost my mind. I broke my ultimate line, and I could not stand it."
"This is why you need help, Nicolas." My therapist said after some time. "You are emotionally unstable. Always going to extremes. You don't know how to control your feelings. 'It was in the heat of the moment' ? Do you realise how wrong this is, Nicolas ?"

I gritted my teeth, annoyed. I admited, maybe it was not the best way to react, but it did not mean I needed help.
"I am fine." I tried. And it was true, I was fine. "It was just a one time thing."
"No, you're not. You need to realize that, Nicolas. But it's okay, I can help you and we'll work something together. You can go now. We won't do more than that today, okay ?"
I could not bring myself to look at him in the eyes, or even to look at him at all.

~ ~ ~

Seul. All my life, I was alone. Always alone. Maybe I lived in a healthy family, maybe I always had what I wanted, but it did not change the fact that I was alone. Nobody ever understood me, until Calvin came along. He was the first person who seemed to care about me. To understood me. To make me feel complete, alive. He became the only reason I breathed for, ma seule raison de vivre.
I did not think I was obsessed. I was just in love. Why nobody could see that ?

4:00am.
Since Calvin broke with me, I had trouble sleeping. Sometimes I would wake up at 2am, sometimes at 4am - like today - and not fall asleep anymore. It became worst with the recent events. Maybe because of the accident, maybe because I know there was no chance of Calvin and I being together now that I hurt him. I do not really know, I do not really care. It gave me time to think about the love of my life, to dream about the relationship we could have had, to imagine his face, his eyes, his body, his smile. How I miss his smile, his real smile. The one he gave me when he looked at me, or when I complimented him, or when we just talked.
All I ever did was for him. I never once thought of hurting him in any ways. I just wanted us to be happy together, without someone between us. Someone like Derek. He ruined it all. And maybe he tried to save my life, but he still stealed Calvin from me. Je le déteste. His confidence, his bad boy's look, his personality. He was all I ever hated. I knew I was better than him, so why Calvin chose him ? What was so wrong with me to take Derek over me ? I did not understand. Maybe I took a little more photos of him than I should, so what ? That just prooved that I found him beautiful. I did not understand why it scared him so much. Am I really a psycopath ?
All I ever did was for him.

Something wet rolled out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks. Tears ? I cried a lot more than before too. It could happen in the middle of the day, when I woke up, or in the middle of the night. Unpredictably, tears rolled out and I just broke down. I guessed the middle of the night, like right now, was the worst moment to break down. With darkness around me, no sounds to distract me, and above all nobody with me besides this photo of Calvin and I smiling.
Was this depression ? Or just an unrequired love ?

I tried to stop crying, to calm my breath and my heart. And after some time, it worked.
But the darkness was still here, the silence was still here, the loneliness was still here. Yeah, I guessed this was it.
"I am not crazy, just alone."