Letters to mum

Letters to mother

Dear mother,

Things went well today, I didn't cry. You know things are getting pretty desperate when your day is defined by whether you shed any tears or not. But I was very good, you would have been proud. The teacher even asked if 'everything was alright?' If only she knew, nothing is alright, let alone everything.

I was gazing out of the window. I know you always told me to pay attention in class but I sit right at the back and if I lean just a little to my right there's a fantastic view of the city. Either way, there's no evidence to suggest my daydreaming has any effect on my grades, if you took away my imagination I still wouldn't do any work. Anyway, this awkward position has meant I've spent a couple of hours in the first aid room, nursing bruises from falling off my chair and flat onto my face.

Luckily, it takes a couple of seconds for every open mouthed imbecile in the class to turn their heads and stare, by this time I have normally composed myself, as composed as one can be on the floor of a gum covered, muddy maths classroom. The teacher seems to have put this down to plain clumsiness and has let me continue to ogle at the world outside. I have to say this is her only redeeming feature as she couldn't teach a fish to swim, let alone a group of bored 11 year olds to use pythagoras.

Back in the city, everyone is busy and running about, enjoying life. Staring at them makes me feel like some part of me is still enjoying life, And it allows me to think, just for a little while, that if there are so many people out there, surely one of them must be you?

Then something will snap me back to reality, like Jake dropping of a pencil next to me. And I'll slowly come to the realisation that, although there are so many people out there, none of them are you. I'm still alone.

That's when the teacher asked me if I was okay. I think she knows what happened; maybe one of those people rang the school. She had this sort of dazed sympathetic look as if she knew I wasn't happy but right now maths was more important. Obviously I just said everything was fine and continued staring outside at the world, there was no way I was sharing my problems with her.

But I did have to fight, really hard, to stop a tear leaking out of the corner of my eye. If anyone had looked over they probably would have seen the weirdest expression on my face. But no one did, I was relying on that.