Let Your Good Heart Lead You Home (Zarry AU)

Part 13

There never seems to be a shortage of targets for Harry, and that should worry him. It should make him angry, absolutely livid that this world is such an incredibly fucked up place, but it doesn't. Not this time. It actually excites him. Even so much that he doesn't notice it's Friday and Liam hasn't called him to make plans with him like he usually does. Until he receives a phone-call. From said friend.

For a moment Harry just stares at his phone screen, startled by himself that he just forgot, but also because it's 11 in the evening. Liam never calls this late to make plans, says it's useless when there's not much time left to do anything. Harry answers the call and puts it on speaker, feeling somewhat nervous.

''Harry!'' Liam sounds excited. Harry can hear music in the background. Nothing too loud, just music to fill up a room.

''Hey, Liam.''

''Heeeey.'' He sounds a bit... off. Harry turns the speaker off and holds his phone to his ear, hoping to catch anything else.

''Liam?'' There's no answer, and Harry's starting to get worried. ''Are you okay?''

''Harry! Yes, I'm allkay. Really good.'' Liam's snickers can be heard through the phone, that silly donkey laugh he does when he thinks he made a clever joke. ''Get it? Allkay?''

Harry sighs deeply, closing his laptop so he can focus on the conversation. ''Yes, very clever. Where are you?''

Apparently Liam doesn't detect the urgency in Harry's voice, which should generally be a warning to not make jokes. ''I'm here. Having a great time!''

''Are you drunk?'' He can hear voices in the background, but not enough to indicate Liam's anywhere in public. Harry's praying he didn't go home with a stranger.

''No! I feel good, though.'' Liam coughs a few times before continuing. ''Like, very zen. You should try to relax like this. It's good.''

''Who are you with?''

Another snicker, followed by a cough. ''My Louis, of course!''

''Okay, give him the phone. I need to talk to him.'' Or yell, but he doesn't say that.

''Be nice to him-''

''Liam.''

''Yeah okay.'' There's some rustling on the other side as the phone is handed over and Harry has to take a deep breath when it's very obviously dropped. For a moment the music in the background increases in volume before it's gone entirely, the unmistakable sound of a closing door telling him the person on the other end has moved to another room.

''Sup Harold?'' Harry rolls his eyes at the nickname. Or maybe Louis genuinely believes his name is Harold. It wouldn't surprise him; he's been too preoccupied with Liam.

''What's wrong with Liam?''

Louis huffs. He sounds annoyed. ''Get right to the point why don't you?'' He pauses briefly, and that's a mistake. ''He's fine.'''

''Is he drunk? He didn't sound drunk to me.''

''Harry.'' So he does know his name. ''Maybe a little bit? We're jus' having fun.''

''Just tell me.'' Harry has his suspicions, but he hopes they're not true.

''Alright, so we might have smoked some.''

Harry doesn't quite feel his stomach drop. It's more of a pathetic anticlimactic flop. ''Some what?''

''Jesus Christ, do I have to spell it out for you?'' Louis sounds ticked off – in a defensive way. Like he's been caught red-handed. ''You know what I'm talking about.''

''Just perfect.''

''What's got your knickers in a twist?''

Harry has to bite his tongue to stay calm. ''You know it's illeg-''

''Yeah I'm not stupid. We know what we're doing!'' Louis is raising his voice and it makes Harry's hair stand on edge because he's still – people yelling just make him uncomfortable.

''That's what everyone likes to think,'' Harry points out, slipping down his position on the couch so he's burrowed in the pillows. If he stands up and starts pacing he might actually kick something.

''Stop being such a stick-in-the-mud. No wonder Liam didn't want to invite you.''

Harry's heart skips a bit, or stutters more like. ''What?''

''I told Liam he could bring you along, but he said that would be a bad idea.'' There's a pause, and Harry almost wishes the connection was lost. ''Now I see why.''

It's infuriating because Harry knows what Louis is doing but goddamnit, it's working. He can feel the burning in the back of his throat and that faint throbbing in his head. He tries to swallow around the lump in his throat but his voice still comes out hoarse. ''He probably – Maybe he just...''

''Oh, go cry to your mother.''

That does it. Without another word, Harry hangs up and drops his phone on the floor. He doesn't even care if the screen might crack. He doesn't care about anything anymore.

Not even the fact that he's crying, which he hasn't done in years, phases him. He's just watching the ceiling blur in and out of sight as the tears fill up his eyes and spill over until they're filled up again. All because of that stupid comment.

Harry tries not to miss her. He still thinks about her occasionally, to remind himself of how blessed he was to have had her as his mom – even for as short as it was. Just that fact makes him happy and helps him move on, with all the happy memories to fuel him. Everything they had together was beautiful.

What he never thinks about is what they didn't have, because that was so much more. Too much that he can't even fathom what he'll miss. Everything he can't share with her; his first love and his last, his successes and his failures. His graduation. And those are just the big moments. The ones you can pick out because you're certain they'll happen.

Small moments are uncertain, filled with everything and nothing. Laughing at an inside joke, doing embarrassing things in public, leaning his head against her shoulder with his eyes closed and nothing but her perfume filling his senses. The last one might be a memory, he's not sure. If he thinks hard enough he can feel the swaying of a car, remember an uneven road and nothing but silence. Just the comfort of your loved one's' presence.

It's Harry's happiest memory, strangely enough. There are no words to be forgotten. Some moments don't need words. Thinking about it makes him indescribably sad. Of all memories it's this one; the happiest and most painful one.

Harry bites back a sob, breathing through his mouth when his nose doesn't allow it anymore. Every time he thinks about the warmth of her shoulder it's like a punch in the gut, but it brings him relief. To know he still cares, that her memory isn't going to waste. She will always matter.

Sometimes he just wonders if he does.  

Bit of a sad chapter there :(. Next update will be on Saturday. For those of you celebrating: Merry Christmas! 

Laters xxx <3