Happy Endings

trigger warning

Blood dripped. Life like a fleeting breath just slips away into absolute nothing. I'm tired. Tired of breathing, tired of existing, tired of hurting the only bleek happiness I've ever known. My chest rises. My chest falls. The disgusting lumps of fat laying there. Causing me discomfort. Causing me self hatred. My body is a gross reminder of what I never could achieve. Self love. Self esteem. I could never live up to the high expectations of my mother or my dead beat father. I'm worthless trash that litters the beautiful white sand. My last chance of ever reaching that well talked about "happy ending" is slowly fading from my grasp. My eyes grow dark. The syrup like liquid covers the white tiles. Running in between the crack of the mosaic floor. My last goodbye carefully placed on the toilet seat lid so it escapes the red carnage below. The slow pounding of my heart echoes through my thoughts. Through my bones. Quickly and unexpectedly floods of memories, happy and sad play before me. First kiss. Underneath the park tree. Sunlight kissing our faces. Eyes shut and hearts pounding. Long walks home talking about everything that mattered and everything that didn't. Screaming tears every night as my one home. My one true family is brutality ripped from me. My soul aching as every day my memory starts to fade from their hearts. From their minds. Visits. Long beautiful weeks of snuggling and kissing. Filling our minds with useless shit while drinking in each other's company. Being invisible. Walking down loud hallways where your small voice is drowned out by the voices of hate and ignorance. Finding yourself. Finding why the things about your body make you hate it so much. Finding out that you are not a freak. Not alone. Cutting your hair. The freedom from the feminine locks that draped your scalp. Hiding. Knowing the people who should love you unconditionally...would abandon you for being who you always were. Late calls. Goodnight texts. Future plans. All fading all breaking. You are leaving behind the hate. The pain. The madness. But you are also leaving the love. The passion. The beauty. The friendships. The unity. The things that made your heart pound. Your skin raise. The touches. The kisses. The future! NO YOU CANT! You find the new determination to cry out. To open your blurry eyes and cry out! Foot steps. Deep breaths. Shouting. Crying. Sirens. Questions. Shaking heads. Smiles. Love. You take a deep breath. You will stay determined from now on. Your dark days are far from over but you know. In the end you'll find your happy ending